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Swell's Intimacy Glossary

Welcome to Swell’s Intimacy Glossary! At heart, Swell is about education: demystifying sex, wellness, and relationships in a frank, compassionate, nuanced way. A glossary is education in its purest form. This is a living, breathing resource that we’ll constantly be updating.

Want to suggest a glossary term? Email us.

The Basics

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Anal Sex

The insertion of an erect penis into a parter’s anus. Folks of all genders and sexualities participate in anal sex, and there are many kinds of anal sex that may not include a penis, like pegging (which involves inserting a strap on dildo or similar device into the anus of a penis-haver), or anal penetration with toys by folks with vulvas. See also anal play, which can include external stimulation, butt plugs, and fingers. 

Related: Butt Stuff 101

Anus

Consisting of two sphincters that open and close to expel waste, the anus also contains a dense supply of nerve endings that may feel pleasurable for folks of all genders. 

Breasts

While the reproductive function of breasts is to provide milk for offspring, breasts can also be integral to sexual pleasure. They consist of fat, ligaments, mammary glands, and milk ducts internally and the nipple and areola externally. Nipples, the protruding tissue on the breasts found in the center of the areola, has a high concentration of nerve endings and can be pleasurable if stimulated for folks across the gender spectrum. Stimulating the breasts can produce a lot of pleasure, and lead to the production of oxytocin, the hormone associated with feelings of love and attachment.

Related: How To Have A Breast Orgasm

Clitoris

The clitoris is considered the epicenter for sexual arousal for folks with vulvas. Since it contains a high concentration of nerve endings, it is exquisitely sensitive to stimulation and pleasure. Located within the vulva, the clitoris is formed from the same embryonic tissue as the penis and consists of the glans clitoris, the clitoral hood, the root, the body, the bulbs, and crura. It differs from the penis in one remarkable way: the clitoris’s sole function is sexual arousal and pleasure. 

an illustrated diagram of the clitoris

Related: A Deep Dive Into the Clitoris

Erogenous Zone

Any area of the body that has a heightened sensitivity to physical touch, and particularly those that arouse a sexual response. Genitals, nipples, and the neck are common erogenous zones, but any part of the body can be an erogenous zone depending on an individual’s preferences or social context. 

RelatedA Map of 12 Erogenous Zones

Foreplay

Traditionally the word “foreplay” was used to refer to anything that wasn’t intercourse—oral sex, mutual masturbation, hand sex, deep kissing, naked cuddling, etc. But as our definition of sex expands and queer sex is more readily understood, the definition of “foreplay” is up for interpretation. A contemporary definition may be an erotic act—physical, visual, verbal, or digital—that heightens anticipation and arousal and serves as a “preview” of more intense, all-encompassing, orgasm-focused sexual acts.

kissing guide

Related: A Modern Guide to Foreplay

G-Spot

Sometimes referred to as the “female prostate,” the sometimes elusive g-spot is a sexually sensitive area inside the vagina located on the front wall of the vagina between the pubic bone and the cervix. There are many ways to find the g-spot, both with sex toys, partner(s), or by yourself with just two fingers.

Related: How to Have a G-Spot Orgasm

Hand Sex

The stimulation of the genital area with a parter’s hand. Orgasm may or may not be the ultimate goal of hand sex. The two most commonly known types are digital stimulation of the vulva, also known as “fingering,” and the stroking/massaging of the penis, aka a “hand job.”

Related: A Handy Guide to Hand Sex

Intimacy

A close bond or connection with another person that necessitates openness, vulnerability, honesty, and trust. Intimacy can refer to romantic and/or sexual partners, as well as “platonic” partners like friends and family members. It can entail physical and sexual touch, though not always. 

Masturbation

The act of touching, rubbing, or stimulating oneself in order to produce sexual pleasure and/or an orgasm, using hands, fingers, or other objects such as a vibrator or dildo. While masturbation usually refers to genital stimulation, it can mean any self-administered touch that leads to arousal and sexual satisfaction. Masturbation can be done alone or with one or more partners. In the past, masturbation was highly stigmatized and a source of shame, especially in religious communities, but nowadays many experts agree that it’s great for one’s mental and physical health.

Related: Mindful Masturbation | Tantric Masturbation | Mutual Masturbation

Oral Sex

A way of stimulating the other partner’s genitals with one’s mouth or tongue. Since roughly the 1970s (thank you, The Godfather and Deep Throat), oral sex has become a large part of our culture’s popular sexual repertoire. It does, however, have a long practical history, with representations tracing back to ancient Egypt. The two types of oral-genital sex are cunnilingus and fellatio. 

  • Cunnilingus – the stimulation of the vulva with a parter’s mouth and/or tongue. 
  • Fellatio – the stimulation, sucking, licking etc. of the penis with a partner’s mouth. 

Orgasm: A high and sharp peak of sexual pleasure that releases tension and produces a rush of endorphins and other chemicals.

Orgasm

A high and sharp peak of sexual pleasure that releases tension and produces a rush of endorphins and other chemicals that make the orgasm-haver feel satisfied and relaxed. Orgasms are usually a result of stimulation of the penis or clitoris, although orgasms can come from other other body parts, too. They’re often accompanied by a sped-up heart rate; dilated pupils; contractions, spasms, or pulses in one’s genitals, even if the orgasm doesn’t come from genital stimulation there; involuntary sounds and movements like toe-curling, back arching, legs flexing, hips shaking, or entire body shivering. 

The nature of orgasms vary, particularly among vulva-havers: There are weaker orgasms and stronger orgasms, ones that last longer, and multiple orgasms. Most penis-haver’s orgasms produce ejaculate, and many vagina-havers’ orgasms do, too. Orgasms have been shown to have physical and emotional health benefits.

Related:  A-Spot orgasm | Blended orgasmAnorgasmia | Breast orgasm | G-spot orgasmNo-touch orgasm | P-spot orgasm

Penis

Attached to the perineum, the penis is the reproductive organ through which semen and urine flow. The body of the penis, also known as the shaft, hangs free when in an unaroused state. It consists of erectile tissue and, when aroused, becomes erect. At the end of the shaft is the head of the penis and at its tip, the urethral opening. Both the head of the penis and the frenulum, a triangular area of sensitive skin on the underside, are particularly important in sexual arousal and pleasure. Folks across the gender spectrum have penises.

Perineum

A diamond-shaped area of soft tissue between the vagina or scrotum and the rectum that covers the muscles and ligaments of the pelvic floor. Perineal tears are one of the most common injuries sustained in vaginal childbirth. 

Prostate

A muscular gland that wraps around the urethra just below the bladder of folks who have penises. It produces about a third of the seminal fluid that houses and transports sperm. Because of its proximity to the rectum, anal stimulation of the prostate can be very pleasing for some, but not necessarily all.

Related: The P-Spot Guide That Everyone Needs

Sexting

The sending or receiving of sexually explicit or erotic material via computers or mobile devices, often while participants are masturbating. Also known as “digital sex.” Sexting can consist of images, text, video, audio, etc.

sexting

Related: A Brave, Bold Guide to Sexting

Sexual Arousal

Also known as sexual excitement, sexual arousal refers to the physiological changes that happen when the brain sends the body signals that it’s time for sex. Penis-havers may experience erections, while vulva-havers may experience vaginal lubrication, erect nipples, and an engorged vulva or clitoris. Often involuntary, especially during puberty, sexual arousal isn’t necessarily correlated with a conscious desire to have sex.

Related: What Is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Sexual Attraction

Sexual desire caused by a specific person—“libido with a target,” as writer Angela Chen wrote in her book, Ace. Someone experiencing sexual attraction might want to have sex with the object of their attraction, or simply find them sexually appealing in a more abstract way. Sexual attraction sometimes goes hand-in-hand with romantic attraction, aesthetic appreciation, or emotional connection, but it doesn’t have to.

Sexual Desire

A conscious and motivated interest in sex or sexual activity, triggered either by outside stimuli or private thoughts and fantasies. Also called “libido,” it’s not a fixed entity and can fluctuate depending on all kinds of external and internal factors.

  • Spontaneous desire – a feeling or craving to have sex even with little or no stimuli; a state of being rather than a response. Spontaneous desire often gets stronger when it’s been a long time since a sexual release. 
  • Responsive desire – More common than spontaneous desire, responsive desire is when the desire to have sex is activated by some kind of physical or mental stimulation.

Related: Sex Educators Explain Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Sexual Health

A somewhat narrower term than “sexual wellness,” “sexual health” generally refers to physiological and medical needs, although there can be a psychological element to sexual health, as well. This can include reproductive health and fertility; safer sex, including sexually transmitted disease prevention; and trauma care, including post-sexual assault and childbirth. Access to information and professional care is key to maintaining sexual health.

Sexual Intercourse

Another term for sexual activity involving the insertion of an erect penis or a sex toy into the vagina or anus. While most commonly used to refer to penile-vaginal penetration, sexual intercourse can also describe penetration of the anus or vagina by sex toys such as dildos, vibrators, strap ons, etc. Sometimes referred to as “coitus,” sexual intercourse has varied definitions among different groups of people. Intercourse is used for both pleasure and reproduction. Here are some common positions:

  • Cowgirl: A position of intercourse where one partner penetrates the other from below, facing one another. The person being penetrated is allowed more mobility and control in this position, as they’re typically straddling and grinding on the partner from above.
  • Doggy-style: this position of intercourse involves one partner penetrating another from behind, while the person being penetrated is positioned either on all fours or leaned over a piece of furniture. This position frees up some room for clitoral digital stimulation and may also be more comfortable for partners who are pregnant. 
  • Missionary: a position of intercourse where one partner penetrates the other from above. Typically, missionary involves the partner on bottom spreading their legs to wrap around either their partner’s waist or shoulders.
  • Spooning: spooning sex involves two partners laying on their sides with one partner backed up in a spooning position against the other. The penetrating partner then enters the other from behind either anally or vaginally. This position is also popular among folks who are pregnant or otherwise more comfortable laying on their side, and frees up room for nipple and clitoral stimulation. 
  • Reverse cowgirl: Similar to the cowgirl, but the partner being penetrated from above is facing away from the partner on bottom. This position is popular because, in addition to allowing for lots of clitoral stimulation, it allows the bottom partner to receive sexual pleasure while also having an anal visual stimulation. 

Sexual Pleasure

The physical and/or emotional satisfaction that comes from an erotic experience, whether alone or with another person (or more than one person). Sexual pleasure can mean an orgasm, but can also include any combination of arousal, excitement, euphoria, or relaxation. It can be spurred by anything from touch and physical stimulation to fantasies and dreams.

Sexual Wellness

A holistic term meant to address one’s physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing when it comes to sexuality. Sexual wellness can refer to factors that both directly and indirectly affect libido, reproductive health, and the ability to conduct healthy, meaningful relationships. Pleasure, not discipline, is at the heart of this concept.

pleasure activism

Vagina

With its opening located near the center of the vulva, the vagina is a flexible, muscular structure that extends 3 to 5 inches internally from the vaginal opening. It is the passageway for menstrual flow to pass from the uterus during a menstrual cycle and the birth canal for a human infant. It can be self-lubricating and encompasses the penis and/or other objects during sexual activity. 

Vulva

An area of human external genitalia consisting of the mons pubis, the clitoris, the labia majora, and the labia minora. This area of genitalia is often colloquially referred to as the vagina, but the vagina is technically internal whereas the vulva is the more general external genital region. Folks across the gender spectrum have vulvas.

Sexual Health

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Abortion

The termination of a pregnancy as a result of the deliberate removal of a fetus from the uterus. While miscarriage is considered “spontaneous abortion,” people usually mean the elective type when they use this word. Although abortions have been performed since ancient times with things like herbs or sharp implements, modern abortion is usually done by a doctor and is a very safe procedure. In the last 200 years or so, abortion has become intertwined with the law and religion, and therefore highly politicized. Feminists fought for the right to abortion in the United States, resulting in the 1973 Supreme Court case Roe v. Wade that made abortion legal. But in the last few decades, conservative movements have eroded abortion access considerably in certain states.

  • Surgical abortion: Can refer to either an aspiration abortion or a dilation and evacuation (D&E) abortion, both of which are done at a doctor’s office or clinic. The former can be performed up to around 15 weeks of pregnancy, and the latter is usually for later-term pregnancies. Aspiration abortions are done by inserting a tube in the dilated cervix, which is attached to a suction device that will empty the uterus. A D&C (dilation and curettage) also uses suction, but afterwards a doctor will use a metal loop-shaped tool called a curette to make sure there isn’t any excess tissue lining the uterus. The process is similar for a D&E (dilation and evacuation), but since they’re usually performed in the second trimester, the doctor may use other instruments like forceps.
  • Medical abortion, also known as the abortion pill, is a series of two pills taken a day apart which facilitate the termination of a pregnancy. It can be taken up to 10 weeks in pregnancy. The first pill is called mifepristone, which blocks the production of progesterone, and the second pill is misoprostol, which induces contractions needed to expel the pregnancy. In places where abortion is inaccessible, pregnant people will often self-manage medical abortions by taking a dose of just misoprostol.

Related: A Complete Guide to Your Abortion

Birth

Also known as childbirth or labor, birth is the process by which a fetus passes through the uterus and out of the body, either through a vaginal birth or a Cesarean section. It can happen anytime during a person’s pregnancy, but a fetus usually has to be at least 24 weeks gestated in order to survive with considerable support from a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). Historically birth took place in the home, but in the modern United States more than 98% of babies are born in a hospital. 

  • Obstetrician: a doctor specially trained to care for pregnant people and facilitate childbirth.
  • Midwife: a trained professional who helps pregnant people during pregnancy, labor, delivery, and after the birth of their babies. Midwives are best for people with no pregnancy complications and who want very little medical intervention.
  • Doula: A birth doula provides undivided support to a pregnant person while giving birth, as well as pre- and post-partum. A doula will help that person advocate for their needs, navigate the choices that come up during the pregnancy process, and assist with managing pain during labor through breathing, position changes, and much more.

Related: A Guide to Having a Doula-Supported Birth

Breathwork

The conscious control of one’s pace and/or depth of breathing. There are several methods, but all are rooted in ancient healing practices, known to reduce stress and induce states of bliss. Conscious breathing increases the amount of oxygen that the body and brain can access, which stimulates the release of hormones like oxytocin that are linked directly to pleasure, stamina, and whole-body relaxation. Breathwork is often highly connected to arousal and libido for precisely these reasons.

Related: A Beginner’s Guide to Breathwork and Sex

Colposcopy

A procedure done by gynecologists to examine the cervix, vagina and vulva. A doctor may recommend a colposcopy after an abnormal Pap smear to check for signs of cervical cancer. If a doctor spies an unusual area of cells during a colposcopy, they might take a small sample of tissue back to the lab, also called a biopsy.

Conception

The moment when sperm travels from the vagina into the uterus, and fertilizes an egg that has traveled to the fallopian tube during a uterus-haver’s ovulation. A fertilized egg can lead to a pregnancy, but only if it successfully implants in the uterus.

Contraception

Also known as birth control, contraception is the act of deliberately preventing a pregnancy through any combination of medication, physical barriers, or charting techniques. Like abortion, birth control use has been recorded since ancient times; the ancient Egyptians used extended breastfeeding for contraception, while the ancient Greeks used the silphium plant. More than 99% of sexually active American women ages 15 to 44 have used some form of contraception at one point in their lives. 

  • Hormonal: This type of birth control comes in many forms, from the Pill to a shot to an implant in the arm. They all use some combination of estrogen and progestin to stop your ovaries from releasing eggs. Some people experience mild side effects, especially in the first few months, like nausea, sore boobs, or mood swings.
  • Barrier: a way of physically blocking sperm’s path to the uterus. Condoms are the classic choice: They’re worn by penis-havers, are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy and also the best option for preventing STIs. Other barrier methods include the diaphragm, the cervical cap, and internal condoms, all of which are worn by vagina-havers and don’t protect against STIs.
  • Emergency: Also known as the “morning-after pill,” emergency contraception consists of two pills taken up to 72 hours after sex. Plan B (as well as Next Choice One Dose, Take Action, My Way, AfterPill) contains levonorgestrel, which is a progestin hormone that prevents ovulation. It also makes your cervical mucus thicker to block sperm, and it changes the lining of your uterus so it’s harder for implantation to occur. It’s available over the counter. Ella, a prescription brand, uses ulipristal acetate to delay or stop ovulation and also makes it more difficult for a fertilized egg to implant in the uterus.
  • IUD: This 99% effective T-shaped device is inserted into the uterus, preventing sperm from reaching your eggs. Like the implant or injection, you can just insert it and forget about it, often for years. Hormonal IUDs release small amounts of progestin into the body and can make your period lighter. It can last up to five years depending on the type. The non-hormonal copper T IUD alters how sperm cells move so they can’t reach an egg during ovulation. This one can cause heavier periods, especially at the beginning, and can last up to 10 years.
  • Cycle Tracking Apps: New fertility apps track things like your past periods, sleep patterns, heart rate, basal body temperature, and cervical fluid to predict when you’re likely to be ovulating (and therefore fertile). They’re a little controversial as a primary method of birth control, because the apps are only as accurate as the quality of info you give them, and because things like stress and PCOS can make menstrual cycles irregular. If you do try this method, consider reading up on Fertility Awareness Method, which teaches you how to chart effectively. 

Related: Your Complete Guide to Birth Control | What You Need to Know About Emergency Birth Control | What Is the Fertility Awareness Method?

fertility awareness method

Dyspareunia

Simply a fancy word for painful sex. It affects around 10% to 20% of American women. It can be caused by a whole host of things, like vaginismus, endometriosis, hormonal changes, a lack of foreplay, or any type of vaginal infection. Dyspareunia is not something you should have to live with, and is usually treatable with medication, therapy, or topical lubes.

Related: Swell’s Guide to Easing Pain or Discomfort During Sex

Ejaculation

The act of semen shooting out of an aroused, usually erect penis. Most of the time, ejaculation happens during an orgasm, but it’s possible to ejaculate without having an orgasm. People with vulvas can also ejaculate.

Erection

An erection is when lots of blood flows into a penis, making it bigger and harder than when it is flaccid. It may curve up, down, to the side, or stick straight out at a right angle. Erections can happen at any age, but they start happening a lot during puberty. An adult penis-haver will usually experience an erection if they’re sexually aroused, but sometimes they show up in one’s sleep, first thing in the morning, or at a random time for no reason at all. Erections usually go away shortly after ejaculation.

  • Erectile dysfunction: The inability to get or keep an erection firm enough to have sexual intercourse or achieve an orgasm. There are lots of mental and physical causes for erectile dysfunction, such as stress, age, hypertension, diabetes, depression, anti-depressants—the list is long. Erectile dysfunction can often be treated with drugs such as sildenafil and tadalafil, testosterone therapy, or talk therapy.

Related: You Don’t Need an Erection to Have Good Sex

Intimacy Therapy

Any kind of therapy relating to one’s emotional and physical wellbeing when it comes to sex, sexual health, and romantic relationships.

  • Sex therapy: A form of psychotherapy or mental health therapy that focuses on sexuality, intimacy, and relationships. Can address a variety of issues including mismatch of needs with your partner, low desire issues, trauma recovery, and anorgasmia.
  • Relationship or couples therapy: Usually focuses on the dynamics within a specific relationship. It may be with a couple, with the family, or even with an individual. There’s a focus on communication and understanding yourself in relation to others.
  • Hands-On Intimacy Coaching: This focuses on the physical aspects of sex. This will most likely be with a sex coach, a surrogate partner, a sexual embodiment worker, or tantra worker.
  • Somatic Sex Therapy: A form of psychotherapy that focuses on the bodily symptoms in relation to the mind. Integrating both talking and touching, it’s a more holistic form of psychotherapy and is gaining more popularity in the mental health community. It can be done alone or with a partner.
  • Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy: a rehabilitation service to help patients manage conditions related to the pelvic floor, like painful sex or incontinence, through treatment sessions, exercises, and education.

Related: All the Different Kinds of Sex and Relationship Therapy | What Is Somatic Sex Education?

Mindfulness

A state of being fully present and aware of one’s body and place in the world, and of not reacting to external stimuli. The concept of mindfulness can be invaluable during sex or masturbation, in order to achieve a heightened, more embodied sense of pleasure.

Related: What Is Mindful Masturbation? | A Somatic Sex Therapist on How to Stay Present During Sex

two people touching and staying present during sex

Menopause

The period of a uterus-haver’s life when they are no longer ovulating or having periods. Many people say “menopause” or “going through menopause” when they actually mean “perimenopause”—the transition from being fertile to no longer being fertile. This is the period of time where your period gets irregular and you might experience mood swings, hot flashes, and other side effects of estrogen and testosterone dropping as your body gets ready for a new phase of life. Menopause also comes with other physical changes that can alter people’s sexual function, with symptoms like vaginal dryness, pain with intercourse, or lowered libido.

Related: Let’s Talk About Sex After Menopause

Menstrual Cramps

Menstrual cramps are abdominal cramps and pelvic pain that occur during menstruation, or your period. Causes can include normal uterine contractions to expel its tissue, heavy bleeding, digestive upset, and pelvic and gynecological health issues such as uterine fibroids and endometriosis. 

Related: Alternative Period Pain Solutions 

Pelvic Exam

A quick, few-minute process during which a doctor checks out your reproductive organs. The doctor will check the vulva, vagina, cervix, ovaries, uterus, rectum and pelvis for any abnormalities. A Pap test is often performed during a pelvic exam. The current recommendation is to get a pelvic exam once every three years, although yearly checkups could be useful for some people wanting to closely monitor their sexual health.

  • Pap Test: a type of cervical cancer screening, usually done during a pelvic exam. The screening is meant to spot abnormal cells on the cervix that may eventually lead to cervical cancer. The test is conducted by swabbing or brushing the surface of the cervix to collect cells, which are sent to a lab for testing.

Related: What We Miss By Not Having Annual Pelvic Exams

Pelvic Floor

A vital part of your “core,” pelvic floor muscles are an important group of muscles located in the underside of the pelvic area, extending from the top of the pubic bone (above the clitoris or penis) to the anus. The pelvic floor connects to and supports the spine, abdominals, diaphragm, and deep back muscles. Helping support bladder and bowel control aren’t the pelvic floor’s only job—it also plays an important role in sexual sensation and function for people with all types of sex organs! 

Related: A Beginner’s Guide to Exercising Your Pelvic Floor

Irregular periods may be caused by a hormonal imbalance, uterine fibroids, and stress, among other reasons. 

 

Pelvic Ultrasounds

Types of ultrasound imaging that help your healthcare provider see the organs and structures in the area between your hip bones. This includes the bladder, reproductive organs, rectum, and the bottom of the spine and tailbone. There are three main types of pelvic ultrasound: transvaginal, transabdominal, and transrectal. The type you will have depends on which organ your provider needs to see and the reason, which could include things like pregnancy, abdominal pain, or IVF.

Period

Also known as “menstruation,” the period is the last of four phases of the ovarian cycle in which the lining of the uterus is shed in the form of blood and/or blood clots that pass through the cervix and vagina. 

  • Irregular period: The average ovarian cycle lasts approximately 28 days, with anything between 22 and 32 days being considered “normal.” Since the period of menstruation marks the end of the ovarian cycle, periods that consistently occur outside of this window are considered irregular. While not always a cause for concern, irregular periods may be caused by a hormonal imbalance, uterine fibroids, and stress, among other reasons. 

Related: A Complete Guide to Period Sex | Reasons Why You Missed Your Period

Premenstrual Syndrome

Commonly referred to as PMS, premenstrual syndrome is a group of physical and psychological symptoms that may occur 7 to 14 days before a menstrual period and can last until the period finally comes. These can be all over the place, anything from depression and angry outbursts to irritability, poor concentration, insomnia, and anxiety. Physical changes can include thirst and appetite changes, breast tenderness, bloating, headache, fatigue, and changes to libido.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder

Far less common than PMS is premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). What makes PMDD distinct from PMS is that PMDD is more severe, with more intense symptoms, and is persistent, occurring during most menstrual cycles and over a period of a year. PMDD can interfere with a person’s daily life function and relationships. 

Related: What Is PMDD?

pH Balance

The vagina has a carefully regulated ecosystem that consists of a pH balance. A normal vaginal pH level is between 3.8 and 4.5, which is moderately acidic. But what constitutes a “normal” pH level can vary slightly based on your stage of life. An acidic vaginal environment is protective. It creates a barrier that prevents unhealthy bacteria and yeast from multiplying too quickly and causing infection.

Related: A Guide to Your Vagina’s pH Balance

Pleasure Chemicals

A cocktail of chemicals and hormones that show up in the human body during arousal, sexual activity, masturbation, orgasm, and post-orgasm.

pleasure chemicals

  • Oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone,” is released by the pituitary gland when we’re physically affectionate with another person. It plays a major role in person-to-person bonding and possibly during orgasm. It also promotes milk let-down in nursing parents and stimulates uterine contractions during childbirth. 
  • Serotonin is the key hormone that stabilizes our mood, feelings of well-being, and happiness and impacts your entire body. Serotonin helps with sleeping, eating, and digestion. If the brain doesn’t have enough serotonin, it may lead to depression. 
  • Adrenaline: Evolutionarily necessary and essential for survival, adrenaline triggers our fight-or-flight response and can show up during sexual activity, especially BDSM. Overexposure to adrenaline, however, can be damaging both physically and emotionally. 
  • Prolactin is released when a newborn baby suckles at their parents’ chest/breast, causing the production of milk. We’re starting to understand that prolactin also has a whole host of other functions, like regulating behavior, the immune system, metabolism, reproductive systems, and many different bodily fluids.
  • Dopamine: Dopamine is another type of neurotransmitter. Dopamine plays a key role in how we feel pleasure. It’s a big part of our unique human ability to think and plan. It helps us strive, focus, and find things interesting! 
  • Norepinephrine: Together with adrenaline, norepinephrine increases heart rate and blood pumping from the heart. It also increases blood pressure and helps break down fat and increase blood sugar levels to provide more energy to the body. In the brain, norepinephrine plays a role in the sleep-wake cycle, helping you to wake up, in increasing attention and focusing on performing a task, and in memory storage. It is also important for emotions.

Related: A Guide to Your Body’s Pleasure Chemicals

Pregnancy

The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. This condition can be indicated by positive results on an over-the-counter urine test, and confirmed through a blood test, ultrasound, detection of fetal heartbeat, or an X-ray.

Related: Let’s Normalize Sex During Pregnancy

Reproductive Hormones

  • Estrogen: Promotes maturation of reproductive organs, development of secondary sex characteristics, and growth spurt at puberty; regulates menstrual cycle; sustains pregnancy; maintains libido. Sometimes referred to as the “female hormone,” estrogen is actually present in varying levels in people of all genders. 
  • Testosterone is the dominant sex hormone found in penis-havers. The testes (testicles) make testosterone. Vulva-owners have testosterone, too, but typically in much smaller amounts. It contributes to hair production, muscular production, sex drive, and bone density. 
  • Progesterone prepares the endometrium for the potential of pregnancy after ovulation. It triggers the lining to thicken to accept a fertilized egg. It also prohibits the muscle contractions in the uterus that would cause the body to reject an egg. While the body is producing high levels of progesterone, the body will not ovulate. Progestin, a synthetic form of progesterone, can also be used to treat menopause symptoms such as hot flashes and vaginal dryness. Progestin can also be prescribed to treat amenorrhea, endometriosis, and irregular periods.

Reproductive Conditions

Conditions that affect the functioning of the reproductive organs; we outline a few that affect vulva-havers below: 

  • Endometriosis is a disorder in which the endometrium (lining of the uterus) grows outside the uterus. It is one of the most common gynecological disorders. Sufferers of endo report pain, spotting or bleeding, and infertility. Most lesions or patches of endometriosis occur in the pelvic cavity, either on or under the ovaries, on the fallopian tubes, behind the uterus, or on the bowels or bladder. Though there is no cure for endometriosis, there are ways to minimize the symptoms caused by the condition, including hormonal birth or surgery. For some, the painful symptoms of endometriosis improve after menopause.
    Related: The Painful Truth About Sex and Endometriosis
  • Fibroids: Uterine fibroids are growths that develop on the wall of your uterus. They’re also called leiomyomas or myomas. They can be smaller than a pea or bigger than a grapefruit, and you can have many fibroids or just one. Uterine fibroids can grow slowly over many years, or they can grow quickly. Uterine fibroids are almost never cancerous, and they don’t increase your risk for getting other types of cancer. But they can cause pelvic pain, heavy period bleeding, bleeding between periods, back pain, and in some cases, infertility or miscarriages. However, many people with fibroids don’t have any symptoms at all.
  • PCOS stands for polycystic ovary syndrome. The exact cause of PCOS is unknown. What is known is that PCOS has to do with hormone imbalances. With PCOS, your body may have high amounts of two hormones: androgen and insulin. These hormonal issues can cause changes in your body’s ability to release an egg (ovulate) and can lead to irregular periods, ovarian cysts, trouble getting pregnant, and other symptoms.
    Related: What Is PCOS?

Sexual Dysfunction

Any persistent, recurrent difficulty with sexual response, desire, orgasm, or pain. There are many physical and psychological causes of sexual dysfunction, including depression, PTSD, substance/tobacco use, physical and sexual trauma, heart conditions—you name it. Sexual dysfunction can often be treated with therapy, medication, wellness strategies, or a combination of these.

Sexual Response Cycle

A pattern of physiologic events occurring during sexual arousal and intercourse. In 1966, when sex studies were in their infancy, researchers William H. Masters and Virginia Johnson pioneered research in human sexuality and the sexual response cycle. In folks all along the gender spectrum, these events may be identified as occurring in a sequence of four stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. The basic pattern of these stages is similar in all sexes, regardless of the specific sexual stimulus.

Sexual Trauma

Any event or events that have interfered in a healthy, autonomous, and consensual regulation of one’s sexuality and expression. This can include sexual assault, physical trauma caused by surgery or childbirth, or larger traumatic or repressive attitudes toward sexuality that can lead to a trauma response. Healing is possible and can take the forms of psychotherapy, meditation, medication, pelvic floor physical therapy, and sex-positive sex education. 

Related: How to Reclaim Your Sexuality After Trauma

sex after trauma

Sexually Transmitted Infections

Also known as STIs. Refers to more than 25 infectious organisms passed from person to person primarily through sexual contact. STIs were once called venereal diseases (VDs), a term derived from Venus, the Roman goddess of love. More recently, the term sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) replaced venereal diseases. Actually, many health professionals continue to use STD. However, some believe that STI is a more accurate and less judgmental term. 

There are two general types of STIs: those that are bacterial and curable (such as chlamydia and gonorrhea), and those that are viral and incurable—but treatable (such as HIV infection and genital herpes). Happily, there is no known STI that isn’t treatable. Here are a few common STIs:

  • Chlamydia: The most common bacterial STI and most commonly reported infectious disease in the United States. It’s caused by an organism called Chlamydia trachomatis. Chlamydia can be transmitted during unprotected vaginal, anal, or oral sex from someone who has chlamydia and from an infected pregnant person to their baby during vaginal childbirth. Chlamydia is known as the “silent disease,” as it is often asymptomatic. When early symptoms do occur in vulva-havers, they are likely to include unusual vaginal discharge, a burning sensation when urinating, frequent urination, and unexplained vaginal bleeding between menstrual periods. Penis havers’ symptoms may include unusual discharge from the penis, a burning sensation when urinating, itching and burning around the urethral opening (urethritis), pain and swelling of the testicles, and a low-grade fever.
  • Gonorrhea: The second most commonly reported notifiable disease in the United States. Popularly referred to as “the clap” or “the drip,” gonorrhea is caused by the Neisseria gonorrhoeae bacterium. The organism thrives in the warm, moist environment provided by the mucous membranes lining the mouth, throat, vagina, cervix, urethra, and rectum. Gonorrhea is transmitted through sexual contact with the penis, mouth, or anus of an infected person. Ejaculation does not have to occur for gonorrhea to be transmitted or acquired. 
  • HPV: Genital human papillomavirus infection, or genital HPV, is a group of viruses that includes more than 100 different strains; over 40 are sexually transmitted and can infect the genitals, rectum, mouth, and throat. About 79 million people in the United States are infected with HPV as of 2018, with 14 million new infections reported each year, accounting for one third of all new STIs. According to the CDC, 43% of all Americans, aged 18 to 59, have some strain of HPV. You can get HPV by having oral, vaginal, or anal sex with someone who has the virus. It is most commonly spread during vaginal or anal sex. Sometimes, certain types of HPV can cause genital warts. Other HPV types can cause cervical cancer and less common cancers of the vulva, vagina, anus, and penis. 
  • Herpes: A common sexually transmitted infection marked by genital pain and sores. Caused by the herpes simplex virus, the disease can affect folks of all genders. It spreads by having unprotected vaginal, anal, oral, or hand sex and also by parent to baby by pregnancy, labor, or nursing. Symptoms include pain, itching, and small sores that appear first. They form ulcers and scabs. After initial infection, genital herpes lies dormant in the body. Symptoms can recur for years.
  • HIV: HIV, or Human Immunodeficiency Virus, is the virus that causes AIDS. It damages your immune system, making it easier for you to get sick. HIV is spread during sex, but condoms can help protect you. It’s a virus that breaks down certain cells in your immune system (your body’s defense against diseases that helps you stay healthy). When HIV damages your immune system, it’s easier to get really sick and even die from infections that your body could normally fight off. Treatment and testing is really important. Without treatment, HIV can lead to AIDS. But with medicine, people with HIV can live long, healthy lives and stop the spread of HIV to others.

Related: How to Talk About STIs With Your Partner

Urinary Tract Infection

A bladder infection that affects mainly vulva-havers, cystitis, or a UTI, is often linked to sexual activity, although it is not transmitted from one partner to another. It’s characterized by painful, burning urination, a nearly constant need to urinate, and sometimes fever and lower back pain. It often occurs at the beginning of a sexual relationship, when sexual activity is high (hence the nickname “honeymoon cystitis”). Peeing after sexual activity can help prevent UTIs in vulva-havers. 

Related: Burning Questions About Urinary Tract Infections

Vaginal Discharge

Any fluid produced by the body and expelled through the vagina. Most vaginal discharge is a normal and healthy part of the ovarian cycle, but some, especially if it causes foul odor or discomfort, can be cause for concern. 

Vaginal Infection

Any bacterial and/or fungal infections that occur in the vagina and can affect the vulva as well. 

  • Bacterial Vaginal Infections, referred to as bacterial vaginosis (BV), is the most common vaginal infection in vulva-havers aged 15 to 44. Any person with a vagina can get BV, although some activities can upset the normal balance of bacteria in the vagina and put folks at risk, including a new sexual partner or numerous partners and douching. Even though bacterial vaginosis sometimes clears up without treatment, all people with symptoms of BV should be treated with antibiotics, so that the bacteria that cause BV do not infect the uterus and fallopian tubes. BV may return even after treatment. 

Vaginismus

A sexual function difficulty characterized by involuntary muscle spasms around the vaginal entrance, preventing the insertion of a penis, tampon, or sex toy. It’s considered uncommon and the cause isn’t exactly known, but there are often links to physical, sexual, and emotional trauma involving the genital or pelvic area. Folks with vaginismus often find that it interferes with their sex lives, but it can be treated with vaginal dilators, sex therapy, and/or pelvic floor physical therapy. 

Vulvodynia

Chronic pain or discomfort of or around the vulva (opening of the vagina) for which there is no definable cause and which lasts at least three months. The pain or burning can be so intense that sitting for long periods or sexual penetration is impossible. We don’t quite know why people get vulvodynia, but  it tends to be diagnosed when other causes of vulvar pain, such as infections or skin diseases, are ruled out. It can be caused by injury or irritation of nerves in the pelvic region, pelvic floor muscle weakness or spasm, and sometimes elevated levels of inflammatory substances in the vulvar tissue. Unfortunately, because many folks with the condition struggle to seek help or find answers, they may find it difficult to maintain the sex life they desire. Thankfully, though, a variety of treatment options are available, including topical medications; drug treatments, including pain relievers, antidepressants, or anticonvulsants; physical therapy to strengthen pelvic floor muscles; and surgery to remove the affected skin and tissue in localized vulvodynia.

Related: Unexplained Pain During Sex? It Might Be Vulvodynia

Relationships

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Attachment Theory 

A psychological theory that focuses on the relationships between people in both caregiving roles (like a parent-child relationship) as well as in long-term relationships. The main ideas behind attachment theory focus on how our deep connections were shaped in early childhood and how that can translate to attachment style in adulthood in the form of giving/receiving affection, trust, and intimacy.

  • Secure attachment: Characterized by the ability to form and maintain secure, loving relationships based on trust and stability. 
  • Anxious attachment: An insecure attachment style characterized by a deep and overwhelming fear of abandonment. Sometimes jokingly referred to as “clingy.” 
  • Avoidant attachment: Another insecure attachment style that’s marked by fear of closeness, intimacy, and vulnerability. Avoidant attachments are often distant and lack trust. 
  • Fearful-avoidant attachment: A combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment. It’s characterized by a fear of closeness despite a strong and powerful desire to be loved and accepted. 

Related: How Attachment Theory Can Explain Your Relationships

Boundaries

Boundaries in relationships help communicate what each person is and is not comfortable with. With respect as their foundation, boundaries can relate to sex acts, trauma triggers, finances, topics of conversation, etc. Boundaries work best to establish expectations when they are openly communicated and mutually respected. 

Related: Your Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships | How to Have Hard Conversations With Your Partner

Breakup 

When people who were once in a romantic relationship choose to end that relationship; however, breakups are rarely that simple. They can sometimes involve a lot of pain and healing work. Folks who break up may also choose to get back together depending on their priorities and levels of commitment to working on the relationship. 

Related: How to Heal From Past Relationships | When Is It Okay to Get Back Together With an Ex?

Crush 

To “have a crush”  describes when someone has a powerful, often novel flirtatious, sexual, or romantic attraction for another person. Crushes are also sometimes playfully used to describe intellectual, political, or friendship attractions to another person (i.e. “friend crush”). It can also be used as a verb — “to crush” — when one is in the throes of these feelings. And the object of affection can also be referred to as one’s “crush.”

Cohabitation 

When romantic partner(s) decide to live together. Cohabiting is a big step and can challenge as well as enhance your relationship(s) through encouraging communication about boundaries, finances, intimacy, sex frequency, and other routines. Foks do not, however, need to cohabitate to have a strong or committed relationship. 

Related: Advice For Newly Cohabiting Couples

Committed Relationship 

Until recently, the term “committed relationship” meant the kind of relationship where two people were romantically and sexually involved with one another and no one else. This term, however, is thankfully evolving as our understanding of monogamy is shifting from being a choice rather than an obligation. Committed relationships are now harder to define but usually involve some level of communication about what commitment means to each partner in the relationship. 

Related: What Does “Commitment” Actually Mean?

what is commitment

Compersion 

The feeling of joy someone vicariously experiences when their romantic partner experiences pleasure with someone else. Basically the antonym of jealousy, compersion is most common among polyamorous and/or open relationships. 

Related: Four People on Compersion in Their Open Relationships

Dating 

Dating once meant seeing another person on a regular basis in order to judge their worthiness of a more intimate relationship. The term has since evolved to describe many interactions including online dating, hooking up, blind dating, group dating, and the more traditional exclusive dating. 

  • Online Dating can refer to serious or casual app-based dating, hooking up, or simply browsing. It can sometimes be more intensive when using a web-based matching service to get more serious romantic partners. 

Related: Your Guide to Mindful Online Dating

Ethical Nonmonogamy 

A relationship style where people can have more than one romantic and sexual partner at a time, and everyone involved is aware, respectful, and enthusiastic about the dynamic. 

  • Polyamory: Similar to ethical non-monogamy, polyamory is the process of engaging in more than one sexual and/or romantic relationships with the awareness and consent of all involved partners.  
  • Polygamy: The practice of having more than one spouse at the same time. This practice has historically been used in certain religions but also can take place in more secular environments. 
  • “Open” relationship: Usually differs from a polyamorous one in that one or more person in the relationship has a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, but don’t necessarily desire an external intimate or emotional relationship. It’s often used by people who are nonmonogamous, but don’t identify with any polyamorous or swinger community.
  • Swinging: a type of non-monogamy in which couples or singles recreationally have sex with one another, sometimes referred to as partner “swapping.” It’s historically been considered the more conservative, patriarchal counterpart to polyamory.
  • Primary relationship: In the context of polyamory, the primary relationship is the one that receives the most time, energy, and is the highest priority. This is usually a person’s closest and most committed relationship out of all of their partners. 
  • Secondary relationship: In the context of polyamory, secondary relationship(s) are the one(s) that receive less time and energy than the primary. It may consist of partners who don’t share households or finances, but still maintain a level of intimacy and sexual connection. 
  • Solo polyamory: A relationship style in which a person has multiple intimate and sexual partners (who are aware of the relationship dynamic) but typically lives alone and maintains a lifestyle similar to that of a single person. 
  • Monogam-ish: A mostly monogamous relationship that has some flexibility for occasional external sexual hookups with previously agreed upon conditions. 

Related: How to Tell If Polyamory is Really For You | Navigating Open Relationships When You’re the Jealous Type

Flirt

To behave in a way that communicates your attraction to another person. Flirting can be playful or more serious in nature, depending on the context and intentions of the person doing it. Flirtatious acts vary widely, but can consist of increased touch or closer proximity, prolonged eye contact, playful or erotic social media/text interactions, a sense of secrecy or conspiracy with another, among countless other behaviors. It can sometimes be difficult to know if someone is flirting, so it’s helpful to know some general signs. A person can also be referred to as “a flirt.”

Friends With Benefits 

Friends having sexual interactions with each other in an otherwise platonic relationship. This relationship style varies in its levels of intentionality and communication between the folks involved, and can sometimes evolve into a more serious or romantic commitment.

Related: How to Transition From Being Friends to Lovers 

Hookup

The definition of hookup varies immensely from one group to another, but typically involves a level of casualness. Some use hookup to refer to a simple makeout session, while others believe it to mean casual sexual intercourse, so it’s important to clarify when using this term.

Infatuation

Intense, passionate, often overwhelming sexual and/or romantic feelings about another person. Infatuation, also known as “limerence,” can be used to describe a mutual feeling within a relationship—often the initial phase of a love affair—or it can describe unrequited feelings. Being infatuated with someone can lead to feeling silly, acting irrationally, or not recognizing oneself. See also: Crush

Infidelity

Within a relationship, the act of breaking mutually agreed-upon rules about sex, love, or intimacy with another person outside the relationship. These rules can vary wildly; some couples consider flirting or sexting an act of infidelity, whereas people in nonmonogamous relationships might only consider sex with a specific person infidelity. Either way, secrecy and betrayal is key here; the act breaks trust in some way. An ongoing act of infidelity is often called an “affair.” Infidelity can put a huge amount of stress on a relationship, but it doesn’t necessarily have to end it. In some cases, an affair can highlight long-ignored problems or desires and offer a path forward.

  • Sexual affair: A secret relationship external to the sole/primary relationship that breaks the agreed-upon rules and is mostly sex-based.
  • Emotional affair: Can mimic the intimacy of a sexual affair, but it does not involve sexual contact. The particulars of emotional affairs often enter a gray area, but they almost always have an element of secrecy, similar to sexual affairs.

Related: A Therapist on How to Rebuild Trust After Infidelity | What Is an Emotional Affair?

Love

An intense feeling of closeness, intimacy, affection, admiration, or generosity towards another person. It can be long-ranging or short-term; mutual or one-sided; expressed or kept private. Love can be felt in all kinds of relationships, but it’s characterized by some sort of attachment or responsibility to one another.

  • Romantic love: A  feeling, often all-consuming, that can include physical, sexual, and intellectual attraction—a disbelief of how amazing and wonderful another person is. Usually experienced in phases, it can start as a dizzying peak of passion (see: Infatuation) but often settles into a deeper, less invasive feeling of intimacy and devotion.
  • Platonic love: The affection and connection experienced between friends, family members, colleagues, and in mentor/mentee relationships. While it can be as strong and meaningful as romantic love, it typically doesn’t include physical or sexual attraction.
  • Self-love: an appreciation of one’s own intrinsic qualities and an acknowledgment that one deserves health, happiness, and pleasure. “Self-love” is also used as a euphemism for masturbation.

Love Languages

A concept first introduced in Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, The Five Love Languages, that has since become a popular relationship concept in the world of self-help. The book explains five ways that partners can both express and accept love: acts of service, physical touch, gift-giving, quality time, and words of affirmation. By employing your partner’s preferred love language instead of your own, you can start to build deeper communication and intimacy.

Related: The Best Foreplay to Match Your Love Language | Small, Simple Things You Can Do to Show Love to Your Partner

Marriage

The act of legally recognizing the union of two people as life partners. While we romanticize marriage as an expression of love, sexual attraction, and commitment, people get married for all kinds of logistical and family-related reasons. Historically a patriarchal and exclusive institution, it’s also been the site of civil rights struggles, given the privileges society affords married couples. In the United States, access to marriage has expanded greatly in the last century to include LGBTQ couples and interracial couples.

Monogamy

Traditionally “monogamy” referred to the act of being married to only one person at a time, but in modern parlance it typically describes the act of having just one sexual and/or romantic partner at a time. The particulars of monogamy are often flexible and subjective; one person might be fine with their partner flirting with others, while another person might not even want their partner to dine with members of the gender they’re attracted to.

NSA Relationship

A “no-strings-attached” relationship is similar to a “friends with benefits” relationship, but might be even more casual: People involved in NSA relationships may have very little in common with (and therefore feel very little obligation to) their partners outside the sexual realm. Still, there should be an expectation of kindness and respect in even the most emotionally hygienic arrangements.

Related: A Guide to Respectful, No-Strings-Attached Sex

New Relationship Energy

Also known as “NRE,” new relationship energy is a term to describe the intoxicating and giddy feeling one gets when they’re just starting to date or have sex with someone. This feeling is actually chemical: it’s created by a flood of oxytocin and dopamine into your brain. NRE is often cited in the polyamorous community as one of the best reasons to remain nonmonogamous. See also: Infatuation

Related: What Is “New Relationship Energy”?

Relationship Anarchy

A term coined by queer feminist Andie Nordgren, “relationship anarchy” is a philosophy that eschews being bound by any cultural rules or expectations for relationships. That can and usually does include polyamory, but also includes things like not ranking your romantic relationship above the importance of friendships, and not assuming a typical progression of cohabitation-marriage-children.

Romantic Jealousy

A powerful negative feeling that arises when another partner perceives the threat of a romantic or sexual rival. It’s a composite emotion that can include insecurity, competitiveness, possessiveness, worthlessness, helplessness, fear of loss, and a feeling of being left out. It can be a reaction to a real outside force, or it can be entirely based on suspicion or imagination. Its effects can be highly corrosive to monogamous and polyamorous relationships alike, but it can also lead to useful insights about oneself and the relationship.

Related: How to Make Peace With Your Jealousy

Jealousy is neither a blank check to control our partners, nor is it necessarily a sign that we are insufficiently evolved.

Situationship

A sexual or romantic relationship that’s not quite NSA, not quite friends-with-benefits, and not quite full-blown commitment. Instead, it is defined by its very ambiguity, which can both thrill and frustrate its participants. A situationship is often a temporary state that usually leads to either a relationship ending or progressing, but they can also last for many years.

Toxic Relationship

Often attributed to Dr. Lillian Glass’ 1995 book Toxic People, a toxic relationship is one where the participants don’t support each other; where there’s constant conflict, competition, or resentment; or where there’s disrespect or even abuse.

  • Abusive relationship: Most people think of abusive relationships in terms of physical or sexual violence, but it can also mean a relationship that contains verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, economic abuse, or cultural abuse.
  • Codependent relationship: An unhealthy dynamic where one person—at the expense of their autonomy and self-esteem—depends on, clings to, and overly centers their partner who, in turn, enables the dynamic by needing this dependence and devotion.
  • Active/passive relationship: In this partnership, one person is in charge and the other person follows. While it’s possible to have a healthy active/passive relationship, the two must take care not to create resentment in the active partner.
  • Pursuer-distancer dynamic: A partnership where one person seeks out closeness, and the other responds by withdrawing, which only makes the pursuer want to pursue more.

Related: What To Do When You’ve Hurt Your Partner | A Therapist on How to Stop the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

Vulnerability

A state of guilelessness, openness, or surrender in a relationship or sexual situation. Vulnerability can be scary, since it can result in physical or emotional pain, but it’s also necessary for intimacy and pleasure. It guides us down the path toward true connection, love, and liberation.

Related: The Pleasure and Peril of Being Sexually Vulnerable | Three Men on Learning How to Be Vulnerable During Sex

Toys and Tools

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Anal Beads

A sex toy consisting of multiple connected spheres or balls, meant to pleasurably stimulate the sensitive nerve endings of the anus and sphincter. They come in lots of different sizes and textures, and are inserted into and pulled out of the anus and rectum at varying speeds depending on each person’s desire and level of comfort. 

Related: A Beginner’s Guide to Butt Stuff

Anal Douche

A tool used to empty the rectum of fecal matter typically before receiving anal sex or other kinds of butt play. It works more superficially than an enema, by flushing out any fecal remnants but avoiding deeper parts of the anus past the rectum. 

Anal Plug

An anal plug, also known as a “butt plug,” is a tear-drop shaped sex toy that’s inserted into the rectum through the anus. They have wide bases to prevent them from getting pulled into the body too far. They deliver pleasure by providing internal pressure and a feeling of fullness. They’re effective ways of stimulating the prostate as well as roundabout ways of pleasuring the g-spot and a-spot. 

Related: A Beginner’s Guide to Butt Plugs 

Blindfold

A tool used to cover the eyes during sex acts. Depriving yourself or your partner of their sense of sight during sex can enhance sensations from other senses. It is also used in BDSM play, often by the submissive partner. 

Chastity Toy

Frequently used in BDSM play as a way to control a partner’s orgasm, chastity toys consist of locking belts and cages that cover the genitals. A partner will have the key to the toy and can control when you’re able to touch yourself or be touched. 

Related: What is Orgasm Denial?

orgasm denial

Cock Ring

A cock ring is a ring worn around the penis, usually at the base, to restrict blood flow to produce a stronger erection or to increase the amount of time an erection is maintained. Cock rings come in countless forms, some made of silicone, others of metal, and can offer additional aesthetic and pleasure benefits. 

Dilator

Also known as vaginal trainers or spacers, vaginal dilators are used to restore and expand the tissues and muscles surrounding the vagina. Often used as part of physical therapy or sex therapy, vaginal dilators help decrease pain and increase pleasure during penetrative sex. 

Related: A Beginner’s Guide to Exercising Your Pelvic Floor

Dildo

Dildos are sex toys designed to go inside the vagina, anus, and mouth. They come in an infinite variety of shapes and sizes, but often resemble the penis. 

  • Strap-on: a dildo designed to be attached to the body with a harness or straps for hands-free penetration of a partner. They’re often used by vulva-havers to penetrate their partners. 
  • Double head: Also known as a double-ended dildo, a double head dildo a sex toy that is long and flexible with moulded heads (or ends) at either side to make simultaneous penetration possible. They come in lots of shapes and sizes, but many are shaped like a penis at both ends, while some are shaped more like a strap-on with a smaller g-spot stimulating end used to keep it in place.
  • Suction: A section, or suction cup, dildo is shaped much like a strap-on, but has a suction cup at one end that allows it to be attached to a smooth surface like a wall. Suction dildos are often used during masturbation, but can also be used during partnered play for extra penetrative stimulation. 

Related: A Beginner’s Guide to Pegging | Types of Sex: How Many Are There?

Drip Candles

Often called massage candles, drip candles are specially designed candles that allow for wax play during sex while also protecting against serious burns. They are formulated to melt at a much lower temperature than a typical household candle, and can be used for both pleasurable heat sensations as well as BDSM play. 

Electrostimulator

Also known as an erotic electrostimulator or e-stim, it is a sex toy designed to apply electrical stimulation to the genitals or other erogenous zones for sexual pleasure. E-stims are somewhat controversial, as they can be dangerous if used incorrectly. 

Enema

An enema is an injection of fluid into the lower bowel by way of the rectum in order to clear out fecal remnants, often before receiving anal penetration. 

Harness

A tool used to attach a sex toy to one’s body. Typically used for dildos and anal plugs, harnesses are available in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and materials. There are also harnesses designed to accentuate breasts and chests.

Kegel Balls

Kegel balls are small, weighted balls attached to a tether, that a person can insert into their vagina. They’re often used to perform pelvic floor and vaginal strengthening exercises, but can also increase sexual pleasure during play. 

Related: What Are Kegels, And What Do They Do?

Lube 

Lube, or lubricant, is a liquid, oil, or gel used during sex to make the vulva, vagina, or anus, wetter to make sexual activity more comfortable and pleasurable. 

Related: A Vulva-Haver’s Guide to Lube | Dame’s Alu

Masturbation Sleeve

Masturbation sleeves, sometimes called “pocket pussies,” are a kind of sex toy that you can penetrate with a penis. They are designed to mimic the sensation of sex with a vagina, anus, or mouth.

Nipple Clamp

A tool used to squeeze or constrict the nipples in order to help increase sensation during sex. They can be employed as part of consensual pain play, but they can also just be pleasurable to people who enjoy the feeling of nipple pressure. Nipple clamps may be adjustable so the user can increase or decrease the pressure as much as they want.

Related: 15 Ways to Explore Breast Play

Paddle

A flat, wide tool with a handle, usually made of wood or leather, that’s used during BDSM for spanking or other kinds of impact play. Variations on paddles include a whip, flogger (a bunch of flexible tails attached to a handle), or a paint stick-style spanking tool.

Related: How to Explore BDSM By Yourself

Prostate Massager

An internal vibrator that’s specially designed to stimulate the prostate. Similar in shape to a butt plug, prostate massagers can feel really good while used as a sex toy, but they can also be used to treat urinary problems and other medical conditions.

Restraints

Tools used in bondage play that restrict movement of body parts, such as wrists, ankles, arms, and legs. Restraints can heighten pleasure through motion restriction and playing with power dynamics, especially during roleplay and BDSM. They come in many forms such as:

  • Cuffs: Generally made of leather, cuffs are fastened around the wrists and ankles by a locking mechanism such as a clasp or lock. They are designed to be safer than conventional handcuffs.
  • Straps: Long, thin restraints, usually with clasps, that often tie arms and legs to the torso or to each other.
  • Rope/Shibari: Rope is another way of restraining larger parts of one’s body during BDSM play. Shibari (also known as kinbaku) is a form of rope bondage that originated in Japan and puts extra emphasis on a particular visual aesthetic and emotional connection.

Related: The Beginner’s Guide to Bondage

solo bdsm

Sex Swing

Any device that elevates one or more partners during sex, opening up access to new positions, unique sensations, and extra support without requiring a huge amount of strength. Sex swings can hang from the ceiling, attach to the door, or be totally freestanding. It can be used during penetration, oral sex, or simply to show off one’s body to a partner. 

Sex Toy Cleaner

Usually in the form of an anti-bacterial spray, a toy cleaner allows a sex toy user to clean their toys without water. This comes in handy if the toy isn’t waterproof, or if you’re feeling tired or lazy after using it (understandable, given the power of orgasms!).

Related: How to Properly Take Care of Your Sex Toys | Dame’s Hand + Vibe Cleaner

Sex Wedge

A firm, wedge-shaped pillow that can bear weight to provide support during sex and enrich experimentation. It props up body parts like your back, butt, pelvis, and stomach so you can better get into pleasurable positions.

Related: Dame’s Pillo

sex wedge

Spreader Bar

A metal or wooden bar with cuffs at each end, used for the purpose of holding ankles, wrists, or knees apart. It’s a type of immobilization during BDSM wherein the person who controls the bar can have uninterrupted access to the restrained person’s body.

Topical Arousal Cream

Topical arousal creams or gels are topical agents that, when applied to the clitoris or surrounding areas, increase blood flow to the area and increase pleasure during sex acts and masturbation.

Related: Dame’s Arousal Serum

Vibrator

dame's arc
Dame’s Arc

A vibrating electrical device that provides sexual stimulation and orgasm. It’s designed to provide pleasure usually but not always to the vulva. Initially marketed in the late 1800s as a medical technology as well as home health and beauty devices, feminist entrepreneurs brought the then-niche vibrator into the mainstream in the 1970s. Nowadays, more than half of women have used a vibrator, and their size, shape, material, and purpose vary wildly. They can be made of various materials, although medical professionals will almost always suggest nonporous, body-safe silicone.

  • External/clitoral vibrator: Usually flatter and smaller than internal vibes, this type of vibrator focuses on clitoral stimulation. See: Dame’s Pom
  • Internal/g-spot vibrator: A phallus-shaped vibrator with an upturned tip meant to penetrate the vagina and stimulate the G-spot, a pleasure zone located on the interior frontal wall of the vagina. See: Dame’s Arc
  • Rabbit-style vibrator: A phallus-shaped vibrator that has a separate clitoral stimulator strategically attached, so that the user can enjoy simultaneous internal and external stimulation. It was famously popularized on Sex and the City.
  • Wand vibrator: A particularly powerful vibrator characterized by a large, bulbous head and a long handle. Originally marketed as a back massager, wand vibrators owe their origins to the Hitachi Magic Wand, which debuted in 1968.
  • Bullet vibrator: A portable, discreet, bullet-shaped vibrator that is often less strong than other types, and therefore a popular choice for beginners. See: Dame’s Zee
  • Wearable vibrator: A vibrator that stays in place without hands, with penetration, straps, or embedded in panties. Wearable vibrators are perfect for discreet public play or hands-free stimulation with a partner. See: Dame’s Eva
  • Warming vibrator: A vibrator with a warming function inside it, activated by an independent button. It heats up to body temperature and stays warm while the heating function is activated. It can help increase blood flow, ease pelvic floor tension, and alleviate painful sex.
  • Suction vibrator (pressure wave toy): Not quite a vibrator, a pressure wave toy creates rhythmic pulses of air that can mimic a suction sensation around the clitoris and, to some, feels like the flutter of oral sex. It’s meant to deliver a quick, intense orgasm and promote arousal. See: Dame’s Aer

Related: The Origins (and Myths) of the Vibrator | 10 Surprising Facts About Vibrators | How Vibrators Can Increase Arousal | Warming Vibrators Are the Next Big Thing

Sexual Identity

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Agender

A gender that doesn’t identify with any gender along the spectrum; an identity existing outside of the gender binary and/or spectrum. 

Related: What It’s Like to Constantly Be Misgendered 

Androgynous

Having both masculine and feminine characteristics. Androgynous is sometimes used to describe someone’s gender identity, but it’s more often used to describe dress and gender expression. 

Asexual 

A sexuality that involves little to no sexual desire for or attraction to other people. People who identify as asexual, or “ace,” may vary widely in terms of their levels of desire, ability to get aroused, and sexual practices. 

Related: A Guide to Sex and Masturbation for Asexual People 

Bigender

A gender identity that involves the experience of two distinct genders within the same person. While many assume that these two genders are “male” and “female” and exist as binary opposites, this is not always the case. 

Related: Here’s What to Do If You’re Questioning Your Gender Identity 

Bisexual

Broadly speaking, “bisexual” is a sexual orientation that involves sexual attraction to two or more genders. Bisexuality, however, means different things to different people. For example, some may be attracted to people of the same gender and people of the opposite gender, while others desire people who do not fit within the binary.  

Related: Busting Harmful Myths About Bisexuality | We Need to Talk About Bisexuality and Healthcare

Biphobia

The dislike of or prejudice towards bisexual people. It can also take the form of denying bisexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation, known as bi erasure. 

Related: How to Deal With Bi Erasure

queer dating later in life

Butch

Having a masculine appearance or other characteristics. In queer circles, it’s often used to denote a lesbian whose appearance and behavior are more traditionally masculine. 

Related: 10 Books on the History of Women, Sex, and Pleasure

Cisgender

A word to describe a person whose gender identity closely aligns with their sex assigned at birth. 

Coming Out

The process that people who are LGBTQIAA+ go through as they work to accept and understand their sexual and/or gender identities and share them publicly. 

Related: Tips on Queer Dating When You Come Out Later In Life

Demisexual

A sexual orientation in which a person most often only experiences sexual attraction for people with whom they share close emotional bonds. 

Related: What Masturbation Is Like for Demisexual People 

Feminine

Expressing qualities or appearances traditionally associated with women. Femininity, however, is expressed by all genders to varying degrees. 

Femme

Sometimes used as a synonym for feminine. In queer communities, it often means a lesbian whose appearance and characteristics are seen as traditionally feminine. 

Gay

Also known as homosexual, a sexual orientation in which a person primarily feels sexual attraction towards other people of the same gender. Gay is more often used to refer to gay men, although queer people of all genders use the term. 

Graysexual

A sexual orientation in which people report only rarely experiencing sexual attraction. It is often considered part of the asexuality spectrum. 

Related: What is Graysexuality?

Gender dysphoria

An extreme discomfort or distress caused by a discrepancy between a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity. Some, but not all, trans and non-binary people experience gender dysphoria. 

Related: What It’s Like to Constantly Be Misgendered | Here’s What to Do If You’re Questioning Your Gender Identity 

Gender expression

The ways in which a person expresses their gender identity, usually through behavior, dress, and appearance. 

Gender fluid

Denoting a person who does not have a fixed gender. Someone who is gender fluid may or may not identify with one or more gender identities at different times. 

Gender Identity

A person’s identity in relation to their gender. This can take the form of gender expression or it can be quite distinct from a person’s outward appearance. 

Related: Here’s What to Do If You’re Questioning Your Gender Identity 

Gender Non-Binary

Someone who is gender non-binary can identify as neither male nor female, see themselves as outside of or in between the binary, or may feel constrained by gender labels.

Related: Should You Default to They/Them Pronouns With Strangers?

Gender Non-Conforming

Someone who is gender non-conforming has a gender expression that does not adhere to traditional gender norms. It often refers to behavior, dress, and appearance. It’s sometimes also used by people who are cis-gender but who dress or behave in ways that reject gender stereotypes.

Genderqueer

Similar to “gender fluid,” “genderqueer” is an explicitly political term that refers to people who blur or bend traditional gender norms and often reject the idea of static gender identities.

Related: What It’s Like to Be Constantly Misgendered

Heterosexual

A heterosexual person is someone who’s romantically and/or physically attracted to people of a different gender. In popular culture, a heterosexual relationship usually refers to a cis woman and a cis man, but it doesn’t have to.

Homophobia

Hatred, hostility or contempt of LGBTQ+ people that can result in bias, prejudice, or even violence. Homophobia can come from ignorance, being exposed to ideologies that specifically condemn LGBTQ+ relationships, and/or a sense of self-hatred for one’s own feelings about their sexuality.

Intersex 

Refers to people who are biologically somewhere in the middle of the medical definitions of male and female. This can manifest itself in genital appearance, hormone combinations, chromosomes, or any other sex characteristics. An intersex person can be of any gender identity or sexual orientation.

Lesbian

A woman who is romantically and/or physically attracted to other women. Both trans and cis women can be lesbians.

Related: Do Lesbians Have Better Sex Than Hetero Women?

Masculine

Expressing qualities or appearances traditionally associated with men. Masculinity, however, is expressed by all genders to varying degrees. 

“Sapphic” can be seen as more gender-inclusive than terms like “lesbian” or “WLW” (women who love women).

Outing

Sharing—either accidentally or on purpose—of another person’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their consent. Outing is presumptuous and rude at best, and outright dangerous at worst.

Pansexual

Describes a person whose romantic and/or physical attraction is inclusive of all genders. 

Same-gender Loving

A term coined by activist Cleo Manago, “same-gender loving” is sometimes used by Black people to express their sexual orientation without relying on Eurocentric terms like “gay” or “lesbian.”

Sapphic

A term for women or non-binary people who are sexually and romantically attracted to women. It can be seen as more gender-inclusive than terms like “lesbian” or “WLW” (women who love women). The term comes from the Greek poet, Sappho, of the Greek Island Lesbos.

Sex Assigned at Birth

The sex designed to a baby at birth based on the child’s visible sex organs, including genitalia and other physical characteristics. 

Sexuality

A person’s identity in relation to their sexual desires and practices. Separate from gender identity, sexuality often relates to the genders a person finds attractive.

Related: The Beginner’s Guide to Exploring Your Sexuality | Swell’s Guide to Sexual Identity

Sexual Orientation

Often synonymous with sexuality, sexual orientation is a term used to describe a person’s sexual identity in relation to the gender(s) they’re attracted to. 

Related: What Happens to a Relationship When One Person Comes Out? | Tips on Queer Dating When You Come Out Later in Life

Transfeminine

Transfeminine describes a transgender person assigned male at birth who presents femininely and/or who identifies as more female than male. Often abbreviated to “transfemme,” the label can include either trans women or nonbinary feminine people who are assigned male at birth.

Transgender

Often shortened to trans, a transgender person is someone whose gender identity is different from their assigned sex at birth. Transgender people can refer to any gender, including people who don’t identify with one gender.

Related: Being Trans and Grappling With Your Fertility | A Trans Man Remembers a Blissful First Date

Transition (gender)

The social, legal, and/or medical changes one goes through to affirm their gender identity. This can include taking hormones, having surgeries, and/or changing one’s pronouns and names, but it doesn’t have to. The validity of one’s gender identity relies on self-identification, not any specific steps during transition.

Transmasculine

Transmasculine describes a transgender person assigned female at birth who presents masculinely and/or who identifies as more male than female. The label can include either trans men or nonbinary masculine people who are assigned female at birth.

Transphobia

Hatred, hostility or contempt of trans people that can result in bias, prejudice, or even violence. Similar to homophobia, but more specific: Someone can be able to accept cis gay people, but still have strong animosity toward trans people.

Queer

An umbrella term used by some LGBTQ+ people to describe themselves and/or their community. Once a slur, it’s been victoriously reclaimed by many as an inclusive, defiant term (but still disliked by some who can’t shake its pejorative connotations from the past).

Related: Swell’s Guide to Sexual Identity

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