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Dear Dame

My Husband and I Saved Ourselves for Marriage

| 08/25/2022

Illustration by Sophi Gullbrants

Dear Dame is a weekly sex-positive and judgement-free advice column answered by our panel of sexperts. Submit your questions here.

Dear Dame,

My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We agreed to wait for religious reasons so we don’t have any regrets but I keep wondering if we’re missing out. Like we might both be bad at sex and not know it or maybe there’s stuff we could and should be doing but just don’t know about. We stumbled through our first time and have figured out a few things since then but how do we make sure we’re making the most out of this gift we both waited for?

– One and Only

Dear One and Only,

Is sex fun for you both? Then congrats — you’re not bad at sex! There’s no right or wrong way to have sex, so as long as you’re enjoying it, there’s nothing to worry about. However, your desire to explore different forms of sexuality and please each other is totally understandable. 

You can look online for ideas for new things to try in bed. I recommend the site OMGYes for a tutorial on pleasing people with vulvas. The book The Guide to Getting It On also has great suggestions for different ways to please both those with penises and those with vulvas. If it’s an idea that feels good to you, going to a sex toy shop (preferably one with knowledgeable staff, like Babeland, Good Vibrations, or The Pleasure Chest) and picking out a toy, sex game, or other product together can also help enhance both your intimacy and your physical pleasure.

Depending how much money and time you’re willing to invest in this endeavor, you can look up courses in sexuality, tantra, or kink (I have some courses, including a free one, listed on my website!). You can also hire a sex therapist or coach, perhaps one who shares your religious values.

In the interest of giving you as much information as I can in this one letter, here are some suggestions I’d give to couples who are beginning to explore their sexuality together:

  • Focus on sensual ways of connecting other than sex, such as giving each other massages and taking baths together. These kinds of activities can be great ways to warm up for sex so that you’re both more turned on and in tune with each other, or they can be fun and connective on their own.
  • Draw out foreplay as long as you can. For many people, foreplay is more enjoyable than intercourse itself. See if you can hold off on intercourse until you both cannot possibly wait any longer.
  • Involve your entire bodies in sexual activity. Play with each other’s hair, nipples, necks…any places that you enjoy touching and having touched.
  • Share your fantasies with each other. You can even write or tell each other erotic stories, then go through what elements of them you could actually act out.  
  • Masturbate in front of each other so that you can each see exactly what the other likes. 

And please know that you can get just as much out of your sex life by going deep with one person as you can be exploring with lots of people. So don’t think you’re missing out just because you two are each other’s only partners. The fact that you’re only at the beginning of your exploration is exciting; you have so much more to learn! And you may find that the intimacy and commitment you share makes your sex life that much more satisfying. 

 

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