Illustrations by Lea Carey
Welp, November was kinky and emotionally draining- hope you made the best of it and made it out alive. December promises to keep things lighter, a little less passion but also less mood swings. Happy birthday truth seeking Sagittarius! We are all going to need to be a bit more like YOU right now… The month starts with a full moon on the 3rd that squares Neptune- planet of illusions and dreams. Light is shed on all the bull-crap brewed up over the past couple weeks and we can either give into it or call it as it is. Not exactly setting the mood either way unfortunately but thats what toy chests are for. Physical energy should be high the rest of the month for trying new positions or sex-ercising! Burn those holiday cookies the old fashion (modern) way. As the sun enters Capricorn the 21st, on the winter solstice, right after the Gemini new moon, we should all take advantage of the planets ability to aid our New Years resolutions. Have you heard of orgasm spells? Oh, and Mercury will be in retrograde for most of December, but you don’t have to worry about it like everyone else says. Go with the flow, and Mercury will just present what needs to be clarified. The one tip I will give- no texting old flings.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Will power won’t be your strong suit this month but you can expect a good reality check from Saturn mid month. Try not to beat yourself up and overact like usual, it’s okay to “end up amongst the stars” instead of the moon like that quote says. Allow yourself to be super vulnerable right now, and let down your guard sexually. Open up some doors you closed for no reason, there might be something that turns you on more than you realize. Embrace it all, let your weird mind wander, and this will lead to full rejuvenation for the New Year. We all need your incredible motivation next month! But for now, make you and your mind feel good. Auto correct just tried to change “good” to “goddess” and I feel that should be said here.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You may try and avoid drama by keeping your feelings under wraps- don’t. It will blow up in your face. The people you are dealing with, in all areas of life right now, are more understanding of you and your signals than you think. All this being read like a book will get you wanting to hibernate mid month. Go for it! Grab some good snacks, charge up your toys, extra coconut oil etc. You’ll be ready to deal with annoying people again before the holidays, but if you do still hate everyone plan a little get away if you can for next month. Sleep and orgasms my friend, sleep and orgasms. Sorry 2017 was a wonky rollercoaster for ya, at least you got to know your body!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As everyone around you seems to be caught up in day dreams you’ll be down on the ground doing the dirty work. Your physical labors will be reciprocated later in the month don’t you worry! The New Moon in your sign on the 18th sets the tone for next year and what you want to accomplish. Bring up all the changes you want to make to loved ones and they WILL get it. Overall the end of the month isn’t too serious and you could actually find yourself with plenty of time on your hands to just indulge. Keep a change of clothes and tooth brush on you, and trust your home will be there when you’re satisfied…Could take days but hey, get it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
As you come down from the clouds of November all starry eyed life might slap you in the face the first week of December. Take it, but don’t take it personally this storm passes quickly. The rest of the month the Holidays will be your main focus, but be careful of slaving for others thing you do. Check back in with yourself, make time for your needs and find a way to turn yourself on if you aren’t. Also, moderation when it comes to food. This season is not on your side for weight gain but if you get your engine going you could burn the calories so…yeah. Enjoy the cast of characters that shows up for your parties around the 25th, they could teach you some interesting new ideas.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The first week of December could lead to quite a few of your stories being busted. Own up to it and the embarrassment won’t last as long, but oh my goodness you hate being embarrassed. Let it go bro, and the rest of the month could be full of social invites. Get into party mode and dress your best. Potential partners, romantic and business, are all around you and the stars are shoving them in your face by the new moon on the 18th. Wait until after the holidays to plan your spring vacations as eager as you are. Mercury isn’t on your side for getting good deals or reliable travel buddies. If you wait, January could lead to you planning a more romantic trip, just saying…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
All your plans run amuck this month and this is your warning not to chase your own tail. Rise above the petty stuff and recheck your self expectations. Once you let go and accept the crappy flow of this month you’ll actually realize this is just the vibe you need right now. A reason to hide out a bit, rethink some thinks and cleans out the nooks and crannies. Make some spa appointments and get a good wax maybe followed by a little lingerie shopping. Plan for sexy time and it’ll get you in the mood. Why does planning turn you on so much? Let’s hope theres a 2018 planner and a new vibrator in your stocking, they go together like bread and cheese for you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Go for it Libra, stir the pot and watch all sort of weird brews manifest. This month is cloudy for us all and we need you to slightly encourage this strange vibe. Get crazy on the full moon on the 3rd and surprise your partner, maybe even scare them a bit. Who cares, you’re the cheerleader this month and really can’t do much wrong. The new moon on the 18th will have you diving deeper into some of the changes you’ve been avoiding yourself since early fall. Try not to check out mentally and physically after this, and be present during celebrations with loved ones. Take a solid day off or two after to make sure you catch up on missed orgasms and all those sex-less days while you where in your head.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
As the spotlight drifts away from you the transition should be easy. All that attention, and also self realization was quite draining. You should be rolling in the cash but be mindful of over shopping. Make your list, check it twice, and then add at least 2 things that will bring more orgasms to 2018. It’s going to be a long and cold winter Scorpio, get what you need now to stay warm. The 25th marks for an extra lucky day financially, maybe buy a scratchy or lottery ticket? Go play bingo maybe? You’d meet interesting folks just like you love. Passion will be high as you ring in the New Year, and if you direct this with focus (check orgasm spell advice in intro) 2018 will be your YEAR.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Happy birthday cutie pie! This month you’re in full centaur mode, cutting through the jungle of delusions and lies. We thank you kindly, but be sure to pamper and groom yourself in between. Treating yourself to a new look right now will pay off all next year, and attract better people into your circle. Relationships heat up around the holidays, are you getting attached?! Try not to overthink or get weird, your human. Love making is even more intriguing when connections deepen- swim deeper and deeper into the sea of lo0oove. Fighting it your feelings will get real messy fast otherwise!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The full moon hits your circle of loved ones hard and you’ll be too caught up in others problems to realize the ones stirring in your own life. Avoid pride, and be in tune with what you can and can’t do. Reach out to those that make you laugh most mid month to get some comedic relief along with advice. After this all settles down and you see the light (maybe even holiday lights) everything will be cheery again. Get cheesy and romantic with your partner, see all the sights and splendor. Long make out sessions can keep you warmer than any puffy jacket as December ends. Slow and sensual healing Capricorn, sensual, use your fingers and mouth.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’ll be far from crazy like everyone else around the full moon as December starts and likely getting many laughs out of the crazy behavior. Write this material down if your in creative writing, people really are crazy. The rest of the month you’ll be in high demand and the life of every party. The more you light up the more people want to throw their underwear at you. Get some sleep in between otherwise you’ll oversleep and miss an important party (grandma’s maybe?) Be easy on your wallet and focus on upcoming gifts, what life changing product can you share with a friend this season?