How to Use a Vibrator on Your Partner

Vibrators aren’t just for masturbation. In fact, using a vibrator on a partner can have many benefits: They can let you in on your partner’s solo routine, which can be super intimate, and many people also experience even more pleasure and orgasms with a vibrator. It’s a win-win for all involved. 

Vibrators come in many varieties, from wands to suction toys, and you may want to experiment with a few kinds to find the best one for you. Going to a sex top shop with your partner and asking the salesperson for recommendations can be a great place to start, or you can read online about Dame’s toys and their varying functions. 

To figure out the best size for an internal vibrator, you might want to try fingering your partner with one, two, then (if they want) three fingers to determine the ideal girth, says sex and relationship therapist Courtney R. Padjen, PhD, LMFT. Lube will also be important for internal stimulation; just avoid using silicone lube with silicone toys. 

Here are some tips on using a vibrator on your partner in order to heighten sexual pleasure for both of you.

 

1. Involve the whole body

“While the clitoris is often the most sensitive area of the female anatomy, building up to clitoral stimulation tends to feel better than going straight for it,” says clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D. In fact, teasing and full-body engagement can be super pleasurable for anyone regardless of their genitals. 

Some body parts where someone may enjoy vibration include the inner thighs, labia, nipples, and anus. “These erogenous zones can be utilized to help not only enjoy pleasure in a new way but to also possibly have a full-body orgasm,” says licensed professional counselor and sex/relationship coach Nicole Schafer.

 

2. Start slow

You may not want to crank the vibrator up to its highest speed right away. People vary in their sensitivity, so some will enjoy higher speeds while others will find them too intense. “Start light and ask for feedback,” Melancon advises. “Too hard, too soon can lead to hypersensitivity and discomfort.” If you’re not sure what your partner likes, get a vibrator with multiple intensities and patterns. Some people even prefer a vibrator to be used over their clothes or underwear, says Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and founder of Bloomi. 

You should also be aware that having someone else use a vibrator on you can be an emotionally vulnerable experience. “They are putting you in control of something they may be accustomed to being in control of,” says Padjen. This is another reason to not only start off with a low setting but also move slowly and engage in activities like kissing and caressing before bringing out the vibrator

 

3. Experiment with positioning

Different people like different parts of their genitals stimulated, so you can try positioning the vibrator in different ways to figure out what your partner likes most. On a clitoris, you might try the 11:00 (upper left) and 1:00 (upper right) positions, as many people enjoy these, says Melancon. 

You can also use a vibrator on someone with a penis; try holding it over the balls or the frenulum, the sensitive spot on the underside of the head. Another possibility: “I highly suggest (if they're comfortable with it) using the vibrator on their perineum (the space between their testicles and their anus) to really work them up, as that is a touch point straight to their prostate,” says Schafer.

Another trick is to combine the vibrator with other sexual acts, like intercourse or oral sex. “If you’re going down on someone with a penis, you can hold a vibrator against your cheek as you go in and out,” says Alvarez Story. “The wetness of your mouth combined with the gentle rumbling will feel amazing.”

 

4. Ask them what they like

“Before using a vibrator on your partner, it's important to discuss preferences, boundaries, and comfort levels,” says Amber Shine, certified sex educator and manager at XFansHub.com. For instance, ask if there’s anywhere they do not want you to use it or any setting they don’t like. You can also watch them use it on themselves first. 

Then, while you’re using the vibrator, keep checking in and finding out what pleases your partner most. Padjen recommends asking questions such as “how does this feel?”, “do you want me to go in further?”, and “do you want me to increase/decrease the speed?” You can also try two different speeds, settings, or movements and ask your partner which they liked best.

 

5. Have them use it on you as well

Anybody with any genital configuration can enjoy vibration, so if you are comfortable, you can have your partner use the vibrator on you, too. “Alternating between using the vibrator on your partner and vice versa can be a fun way to mix things up and keep things fresh,” says Shine. Just as you did, they can try different settings, positions, and motions to see what you like best. 

There are also some vibrators that you can fit between two people, so you can both enjoy the vibrations at the same time. For instance, one person can wear the Eva over their vulva and clitoris while the other penetrates them or grinds their genitals against them.

 

6. Prioritize hygiene and safety

“Sex toys should be cleaned between every use,” says Alvarez Story. You can use a special sex toy cleaner like Dame’s Hand + Vibe Cleaner or any antibacterial soap, and make sure the toy is dry before you put it away. In addition, if you use a toy anally, make sure to wash it before using it vaginally.

“It’s also important to be sticking to body-safe toys, using medical-grade silicone,” Alvarez Story adds. Look for terms like “pthalate-free,” and avoid materials such as jellies that are porous and can pick up bacteria.

Above all, remember to have fun, be curious, and be open to feedback. “There’s no right way to pleasure yourself or your partner,” says Alvarez Story. “You have to find your own style.”