Alexandra Fine, Credentialed Sexologist, M. Psych | Written by Dame
There are many relationship problems that may cause couples to see a therapist.
There’s infidelity, of course. Disagreements about finances, how to raise kids, and poor communication are also high on the list. Even the different lifestyles preferred by “morning people” and “night people” can force couples to seek counseling, in order to salvage or rebuild their partnership.
There’s another issue that often leads to couples therapy as well: mismatched sexual desire.
It’s hard to understate the frustration that can build when one partner has a low libido while another just can’t get enough sex. Someone who’s ready to go at it at the drop of a condom (or birth control pill) is going to have trouble maintaining a long-term relationship with a partner whose sexual desire is only sky-high on Valentine’s Day and their anniversary.
That’s why couples who share a high sex drive should feel blessed. The only problems they might face in their sex life are finding the time to indulge their desires – and finding satisfying ways to burn all of that never-ending sexual energy.
How to carve out the time needed for frequent sex is a discussion for a different article, but we can help with the second issue. Some positions are conducive to longer, more athletic and more satisfying sex sessions.
And we just happen to have a list of the best sex positions for those with a high sex drive.
We’ll get to it after a quick look at the subject of libido.
Should You “Indulge” A High Sex Drive?
Sure, you may want sex all the time. But is a high libido normal, and is it something you should give into?
Determinants of Libido
Everyone’s sex drive is different, since many different factors determine an individual’s libido. Here are just a few.
- Age and Gender: In very general terms, hormonal changes cause younger people to have a greater sex drive when they’re going through or just out of puberty; their libido is also enhanced or lowered by things like their social activities and their self image.
Hormone levels naturally decrease over time, so increasing age is closely related to lower sex drive both in penis-havers and vulva-havers. There are other factors in play, too. The former are more likely to have higher libidos in general, because they generally have higher testosterone levels. Meanwhile, vulva owners usually have a higher sex drive before and during ovulation and during pregnancy, because of higher estrogen levels.
- Physical health and fitness: It’s probably obvious, but we’ll mention it anyway. Healthier and fitter people are much more likely to have more stamina and a greater sex drive.
- Stress and Mental State: It’s true that stress has been found to affect the body’s testosterone levels, but its effect on sex drive is somewhat difficult to predict. Stress initially causes the release of testosterone (particularly in those with penises) as a function of the “fight or flight” response. That can increase libido. But chronic stress actually lowers testosterone levels in the body; that’s apparently because stress causes the release of cortisol, which reduces testosterone levels. Meanwhile, studies have shown that stress usually lowers libido in those with vulvas.
- Relationship Status: Research indicates that in a romantic, long-term relationship, libido is closely related to the level of intimacy between partners. Naturally, that comes into play after a couple is past the initial, exciting days of a new relationship.
- Medication: A number of prescription medications, most notably antidepressants but also meds for high blood pressure and other conditions, can lower libido. When people stop taking them, they no longer suffer those sexual side effects and their sex drive is likely to increase. Substance use and abuse can also affect sex drive.
Why does all of that matter?
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Sex Drives
You don’t need a PhD in sexology to understand that there’s no “right level” or “wrong level” for sex drives. People can be perfectly happy and content in a relationship when both partners have very little libido; they can be just as happy when both partners are ready to hop into bed at any time of the day or night. Those are two extremes, but they can both be described as “healthy” sex drives.
Similarly, there’s nothing inherently wrong with one person who’s much less (or much more) interested in sexual activity than their partner. If it becomes an issue, the factors we’ve mentioned may help a couple understand why there’s a major disparity between their libidos. In turn, that can help them figure out how to adjust their lifestyles to mitigate potential conflicts. In serious cases, of course, a visit to a relationship counselor or sex therapist can be a good idea.
That doesn’t mean a very high sex drive is always fine. If the importance of sex to one partner (or both) crosses the line and leads to compulsive sexual behavior, that’s an unhealthy sex drive. Sex addiction is a disorder which must be addressed by mental or sexual health professionals; it’s estimated that about six percent of adults are affected.
In general, the sign of an unhealthy libido is a preoccupation with sex, which leads to emotional distress and “significant impairment” of normal daily function. In simple terms, people who miss work, skip family activities or neglect their personal responsibilities just so they can spend time having sex – or so they can hide away with their lube and Klennex for long masturbation sessions – don’t just have a high sex drive. Their behavior is dysfunctional and must be addressed.
Otherwise, a high libido can lead to high levels of sexual pleasure, especially with a partner who’s similarly inclined.
Here are the sexual positions that can make things even hotter.
Best Sex Positions for Those with a High Sex Drive
Three considerations can make sex positions particularly rewarding for those with high libidos.
The first, of course, is their level of satisfaction; there should be a payoff for hard work. Most people, depending on their gender, consider events like powerful ejaculation, G-spot orgasms or multiple climaxes to be satisfactory rewards.
The next consideration is how long the partners can last before reaping those rewards. Some sex positions that reliably lead to orgasm aren’t necessarily designed to prolong the stimulation and excitement – and three minutes of bliss isn’t going to enough for someone with an extremely healthy libido.
Finally, there’s the additional reward that comes after lengthy and mutually satisfying sex play: total exhaustion and contentment. That means finding a position (or positions) that give you a great workout, in addition to a great orgasm.
These sex positions provide some or all of those benefits, wearing you out enough to let you focus on something other than sex – at least for a little while.
Someday, someone will come up with a more gender-neutral term for this venerable position. We just haven’t seen a good one yet. (In gay sex, of course, it’s known as cowboy.)
When a vulva-haver mounts and straddles their partner, facing forward, the action is likely to last for a while. The top partner is in control, since the physics make it difficult for the penis-haver or strap-on wearer to thrust vigorously from underneath. That’s a prescription for sex that prolongs stimulation and enjoyment, not just a quick climax that leaves partners with high sex drives “wanting more.”
This position isn’t physically demanding, but the partner on top is able to have an athletic workout just by the amount of bouncing and grinding they do. Just as importantly, cowgirl is a great position for deep penetration, and the vulva owner’s ability to adjust their position on top can ensure G-spot stimulation. The position is also great for blending orgasms, since it allows plenty of access to the clitoris for fingers (or finger vibrators) and other sex toys.
The reverse cowgirl position provides most of the same benefits. However, partners who might want (or feel “obligated”) to maintain eye contact during penetration are free to be even more uninhibited during reverse cowgirl.
This hot variation on the missionary position lets both partners enjoy a lot more than the usual “thrust…thrust…thrust…done!” often associated with face-to-face missionary sex. There’s a good chance you’re familiar with the seashell position, sometimes called legs-up missionary; the vulva owner lifts their legs and tucks them behind their head (or just holds them as high as possible, if flexibility is an issue). The partner is then able to enter them from “above.”
The real beauty of the seashell for those with high libidos: the penis owner or strap-on wearer can adjust their angle of penetration. That gives them the option of shallow thrusts that hit the G-spot, deep thrusts to hit the vulva-haver’s cervix, or combining angles in order to practice edging, delay ejaculation and prolong the experience.
This won’t be a revelation, but coming in from behind is ideal if the partners’ goal is deep penetration, G-spot stimulation – and hard, fast, energetic sex. The sex usually won’t last as long as it does with some of our other options, but some with a high sex drive are more interested in the positions that will cause their adrenaline levels and blood flow to spike, leading to crazy-powerful orgasms.
There is a way to slow things down a bit during doggy, while also changing up the sensations. The penis owner/strap-on wearer stays still while their partner controls the action, thrusting and grinding their hips and rear to maximize stimulation during penetration. That will let the back partner last longer, while the front partner expends more energy.
There’s another variation that can kick doggy-style up to the next level; all you need to know, in order to visualize it, is the name it’s sometimes given: the wheelbarrow. The vulva owner starts on all fours while the penis-haver or strap-on wearer stands behind them. The standing partner then picks them up by the pelvis, as the vulva-haver locks their thighs around the penetrator’s thighs and the action gets fast and furious. G-spot contact and a shuddering climax is almost assured.
If both partners are able to maintain their composure and want to go for a while in this position, they can position themselves in front of some furniture. That allows the vulva-haver to brace themselves on the edge of the bed or chair, while the fun rolls on.
Not everyone with a high sex drive wants to bang the night way. Some prefer to spend lots and lots of time enjoying all of the sensations that can be produced by lengthy, intimate sex. For those folks, spooning is the ideal position. It’s great for deep penetration, G-spot stimulation, concurrent clitoral stimulation and even anal sex. But it’s also perfect for long, passionate sexual experiences, since the position doesn’t encourage rapid thrusting. The excitement is slow to build but worth the wait.
That’s not to say you can’t boost the intensity when you’re ready. The vulva-haver can wrap one leg around the penetrator’s thigh or hold the leg in the air (ideally, with some help) to open things up and make thrusting easier. And spooning makes it exceptionally easy for the back partner to reach the front partner’s genital area, for additional stimulation that can put things over the edge.
Here’s one more sex position that can keep the intimacy level high for long periods of time. The Lotus is perhaps the best-known Tantric sex position (it’s known as the Yab Yum in Tantra. It combines mindfulness and meditation, slow and erotic movement, natural clitoral stimulation, and the ability for both partners to reach virtually every erogenous zone.
When penetration is added, Yab Yum can be a slow-motion home run. But many couples find they don’t even need penetration to derive intense sexual satisfaction from this position.
You probably know, in general terms, what the Lotus looks like. If you’re not sure just how it works, though, the bottom partner sits with their legs crossed, usually in a chair. The second partner straddles the first, wrapping their legs around the torso and their arms around the shoulders or chest. Then, if desired, the bottom partner slightly elevates the other’s butt and penetrates them.
Not every high-libido couple will find that the Lotus satisfies their needs. But those who are willing to sublimate their desire for down-and-dirty satisfaction, in order to enjoy a different type of experience, can discover an entirely new, mindful level of sexual satisfaction.
It goes without saying, but we’ll say it anyway: the right positions don’t have to be the only component of your sexual diet. If you have a seemingly-insatiable sex drive, starting a session with foreplay or oral sex is a great way to extend play and be sure that you achieve full satisfaction. After all, those with strong libidos deserve a break every once in a while too – even if it’s spent shopping for new sex toys on Amazon!