Sexual Wellness
Created on 09/02/2018
Updated on 13/10/2022
No matter how magical our sexual chemistry is during the honeymoon phase of any courtship or relationship, life has a way of just being life again.
That means falling into the same sexual routines, positions, and—gulp—dry spells. That means your partner may be stressed at work and it’s affecting their sex drive. That means they may be in the mood and for some reason, you’re just not, and you can’t get there. Our sexual desires, preferences, and libidos are constantly changing, and when you’re in a committed relationship and engaging in sex with the same person over time, whether you’re married, engaged, in a relationship and cohabiting, or defining your relationship on your own terms, that means having to navigate different wants, needs, schedules, and approaches.
We spoke to the experts on how to keep the lines of communication open, honest, respectful and how to “spice things up” beyond the same old advice we’re always given about role play and dirty talk (anyone good at doing that at the drop of a dime and on command? We’d like to see a script, please!), and when to consider bringing in a badass expert, therapist, counselor or other supporter of healthy sexual and intimate relationships to get you on a track you’re excited to head down again.
Sarah Forbes, author of "Sex in the Museum" and former curator at the Museum of Sex, says that so much of this space can feel loaded with unspoken emotions, and often an unrealistic expectation that someone’s long term partner will have, or continue to have the exact same sex drive as they do.
“That said, I do believe sex is very important for many people is sustaining a long term relationship and needs to be prioritized. Sometimes, taking a step back is critical. Why does one partner not feel in the mood? What is going on with them? With your relationship? It's a lot to ask your partner to just drop all the stressors that might be impacting their sex drive” she says.
“Once you understand the external factors at play, chipping away at those are likely more potent in "spicing up" a relationship than any sexy lingerie. Really feeling like someone cares, is trying, and is in the trenches with you, is a huge aphrodisiac for people, particularly parents with young children.”
But let’s back up a little.
Rachel Klechevsky, LMSW, says that when we think about sex, it’s easy to think about it as as “an exchange of services.”
It is first and foremost necessary, she says, that there is no sense of entitlement or expectation for sex to occur.
“In an intimate relationship, there should be ongoing dialogue to understand each partners' libidinous mood,” she says, offering the following scenario:
Partner A: Hey, so what's your mood like for sex?"
Partner B: "I really can't tonight"
OR
"I'm not really there right now, but let's try later."
OR
"Totally down for some stuff, but not everything!"
OR
"If you start something, I can get into it!"
OR
"Let's go!!"
“With this dialogue, you are approaching with curiosity, not expectation. It also gives room for the partner that's being approached to feel safe offering up whatever options while listening to their body,” she says.
If sexual activity has been on the decline and it is beginning to get frustrating, try to understand that frustration, says Klechevsky. Ask yourself these questions:
Are you frustrated with your partner?
Are you simply sexually frustrated?
Are you dealing with something difficult?
Are you feeling sad?
Are you feeling distant from your partner?
Another idea to bridge the subject in a passive way is to find something like a coaster and allow one partner to either flip it up for yes, down for no, on any given night. This can help people who have trouble finding the right words communicate if they’re receptive to sex.
“There are other techniques, like creating a rainbow wheel and arrow and each color represents another mood. That's part of the ongoing dialogue that partners can have with each other,” says Klechevsky.
Jennifer Matesa, author of Sex in Recovery and professor at The University of Pittsburgh, says it takes a great deal of sensitivity to understand when one’s partner is up for it or not.
“I can tell when my partner is not up for it. I can almost see the thoughts whirling in his cranium,” Metesa says. “When that happens, I still check it out with him. Our phrase is for anything—for when we wake up, for after we’ve seen a movie, for after we’ve both just had orgasms—is, ‘How’s it going?’"
“One day I was getting it on and he was not responding, and I said, ‘How’s it going?’ and he said, ‘I need to take a break,’ and I lay beside him for 15 minutes while he meditated, and then it turned out he was up for it. That said, I did not check my phone or watch Seinfeld reruns for those 15 minutes. I lay beside him and listened to his breathing, and my breathing, and enjoyed the warmth and scent of his skin. I was ready to accept whatever outcome. I was present.”
She continued to reference Emily Nagoski, author of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life,” who says that spontaneous desire in women is a myth. "Desire is arousal in context,” she writes.
“That means that we can think we’re not in the mood, and when we keep an open mind, we may very well get in the mood when the context is right. I think it takes a lot of self-awareness and practice to understand one’s own sexual response, enough to say, “I’m not in the mood,” and really be accurate,” Matesa says.
By defining the frustration, she says, you can approach your partner kindly about it.
“Express concern for the relationship and possibly your partner. Are they withdrawn? Are they struggling? Using empathy, you can build intimacy instead of pushing your partners away from frustration.”
So let's say you asked your partner about sex, and they tell you that sex is off the table.
You can try to alleviate your libido with masturbation, says Klechevsky, but if you find yourself frustrated at the need to masturbate, then there is a possibility that you're either feeling entitled to sex or maybe not recognizing where your partner is.
“There is a possibility that your partner is using sex as a bargaining tool to control you, but that would be abuse. For any other circumstance, frustration is your responsibility to explore. In general, I don't recommend masturbating out of frustration, because it creates a negative loop with an activity that can be freeing and healing,” she says.
Currently Reading
The Down & Dirty Guide to Improving Your Sex Life