Dear Dame is a weekly sex-positive and judgment-free advice column answered by our panel of sexperts. Submit your questions here.
I don't want my partner to see my body giving birth.
I know it’s silly but I am really anxious about my partner seeing me give birth. What if he can’t look at me the same way again or doesn’t desire me? What if I poop? Do you think Beyonce pooped when she had Blue Ivy?
Eyes Up Here"
Dear Eyes Up Here,
This is not an uncommon anxiety. It's not a silly one. And your question is not only yours. It's asked by many, many women who are pregnant, and it's even asked by some of their partners. And so I would say to you to have a conversation, discuss it openly. What makes you feel anxious about it? How do you think your partner might react to this? Not just how you think, but ask your partner how they think they'll react as well? And sometimes just being prepared, watching a video of a birth together and seeing how your partner responds to it may inform your decision on whether they stay up at the top of the bed or look below the sheets.
And for some people, it's not even about what happens to sex afterwards, but that they just don't like blood and/or the secretions of birth. And yes, some women will defecate during delivery and Beyonce certainly may have. She seems to be doing just fine. Everyone poops. So there's no shame to it and there's no disgrace to it. And when you're giving birth, you basically are going to do whatever you need to do. So enjoy it. Relish it. And remember it's just a moment in time.
But again, having a conversation beforehand can educate both of you about what your needs are and what your concerns are. Also, once a baby is born, there's a lot of amnesia that happens. Women forget the pain and the process, as do partners. And once you’ve recovered from childbirth and everyone's getting better sleep, it's amazing how passion and lust and pleasure kind of overwhelms the memory. Know that most couples eventually get back into the swing of things despite all the bodily secretions.