Shame is isolating and ultimately keeps us from getting our needs met.
What Keeps Us From Sharing
As a sex therapist, one of the most common issues I support clients with is navigating shame. Religious shame, societal shame, cultural shame, shame clients experienced from past partners—it all permeates my clients’ perceptions of themselves and ability to relate to others. Vanilla, heterosexual sex is normalized in popular culture, so anything that deviates outside of that makes folx feel isolated and even perverse. Shame plays a huge role not only in not disclosing a kink but not exploring sexual desire at all. Sometimes, clients are so steeped in shame that it takes several sessions for them to feel comfortable sharing their kink or fetish with me, even though that’s exactly what they’re coming in to discuss! It’s important to know that whatever consensual desire or behavior you’re into is not perverse, and you’re not alone (trust me, I’ve heard it all). Unfortunately, shame is isolating and ultimately keeps us from getting our needs met. Let’s take a client who I’ll call Maya as an example. Maya enjoys impact play. For her, that means she likes to be struck by hands or toys on various parts of her body, particularly her butt and thighs. Maya and her ex-girlfriend used to engage in impact play frequently, but she just started seeing someone new and feels nervous to ask him to spank her using a paddle during sex. Part of her fear comes from a conversation she overheard him having with friends about BDSM where he said he wasn’t into it and didn’t know if he could be with someone who didn’t “respect herself.” Of course, this made her incredibly self-conscious about her kink, even though it brings her immense pleasure and satisfaction. As a result, Maya doesn’t talk about spanking with her new guy, finds herself dissatisfied with their sex life, and begins to consider ending the relationship.Ways To Share
Step One: Embrace it!
Whatever your kink is, you’re not alone. Pleasure is creative, and it’s your right to explore what feels good to you and turns you on. Consider masturbating to images, videos, or fantasy about your kink, and notice how good you feel when you let yourself experience it. Finding other kinky folks is also really helpful. They don’t have to share the same kink (although they might), but being around other sex-positive people can help normalize the diversity of sexual desire. Social media makes it easier to connect with other kinksters and find more information about your desires. Allow yourself to normalize it for yourself, find community in it, and celebrate it. Ultimately, this makes you more likely to advocate for your needs and have a pleasureful gratifying sexual experience.Frame it as something exciting rather than something you have to disclose or burden them with.
Step Two: Talk about sex more.
Communication is essential in any relationship, especially a romantic or sexual one. Internalized shame makes conversations about sex seem scary or unapproachable. Creating space to talk about sex not just right after or right before engaging in it can also help lower the stakes. Talk about sex at dinner, after work, when you’re getting ready for the day. The conversation doesn’t have to be about the sex you and your partners are having; it could be about sex in general. Some conversation-starters I suggest to clients are:- “What is something you thought to be true about sex when you were younger, but completely changed after you started having sex?”
- “What’s your favorite part about sex?”
- “Do you masturbate? What’s your favorite way to masturbate?”