Starting a new sexual or romantic relationship with someone can bring up a multitude of emotions. Thereโs the excitement of connecting with someone new, the anticipation of spending time with them, the curiosity about where the relationship might go, the anxiety of potential hurt, and the vulnerability of opening up to someone (just to name a few).
But what if you have a kink or fetish that turns you on, but youโre not sure how to discuss it with your new mate? Shame, discomfort, and potential rejection might prevent us from having this conversation. Weโre taught a very rigid idea of what sex can look like, whatโs acceptable, and even more so, what isnโt. Kinks and fetishes are often considered in the latter category, but they are much more common than we may think.
Letโs talk a bit about kinks and fetishes. A kink is essentially anything that exists outside of a โvanillaโ sexual practice. Kinks can include things like voyeurism (getting aroused by watching other people have sex or be naked), bondage (tying someone up or enjoying being tied up using various restraints), choking, and roleplay.
A fetish is deriving sexual arousal from a non-sexual body part or object. Think high heels, leather, tickling, and feet. Sometimes kinks and fetishes develop at a young age from something considered taboo or subversive, but not always.
Participating in or fantasizing about โnon-normativeโ things is incredibly common. In fact, in his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want, Justin J. Lehmiller discovered that a whopping 97% of Americans have some sort of sexual fantasy. If you have a kink or fetish, youโre not alone, and there are ways to share your desires with your new partner.
What Keeps Us From Sharing
As a sex therapist, one of the most common issues I support clients with is navigating shame. Religious shame, societal shame, cultural shame, shame clients experienced from past partnersโit all permeates my clientsโ perceptions of themselves and ability to relate to others. Vanilla, heterosexual sex is normalized in popular culture, so anything that deviates outside of that makes folx feel isolated and even perverse.
Shame plays a huge role not only in not disclosing a kink but not exploring sexual desire at all. Sometimes, clients are so steeped in shame that it takes several sessions for them to feel comfortable sharing their kink or fetish with me, even though thatโs exactly what theyโre coming in to discuss! Itโs important to know that whatever consensual desire or behavior youโre into is not perverse, and youโre not alone (trust me, Iโve heard it all).
Unfortunately, shame is isolating and ultimately keeps us from getting our needs met. Letโs take a client who Iโll call Maya as an example. Maya enjoys impact play. For her, that means she likes to be struck by hands or toys on various parts of her body, particularly her butt and thighs. Maya and her ex-girlfriend used to engage in impact play frequently, but she just started seeing someone new and feels nervous to ask him to spank her using a paddle during sex.
Part of her fear comes from a conversation she overheard him having with friends about BDSM where he said he wasnโt into it and didnโt know if he could be with someone who didnโt โrespect herself.โ Of course, this made her incredibly self-conscious about her kink, even though it brings her immense pleasure and satisfaction. As a result, Maya doesnโt talk about spanking with her new guy, finds herself dissatisfied with their sex life, and begins to consider ending the relationship.
Ways To Share
Step One: Embrace it!
Whatever your kink is, youโre not alone. Pleasure is creative, and itโs your right to explore what feels good to you and turns you on. Consider masturbating to images, videos, or fantasy about your kink, and notice how good you feel when you let yourself experience it.
Finding other kinky folks is also really helpful. They donโt have to share the same kink (although they might), but being around other sex-positive people can help normalize the diversity of sexual desire. Social media makes it easier to connect with other kinksters and find more information about your desires. Allow yourself to normalize it for yourself, find community in it, and celebrate it.
Ultimately, this makes you more likely to advocate for your needs and have a pleasureful gratifying sexual experience.
Step Two: Talk about sex more.
Communication is essential in any relationship, especially a romantic or sexual one. Internalized shame makes conversations about sex seem scary or unapproachable. Creating space to talk about sex not just right after or right before engaging in it can also help lower the stakes.
Talk about sex at dinner, after work, when youโre getting ready for the day. The conversation doesnโt have to be about the sex you and your partners are having; it could be about sex in general. Some conversation-starters I suggest to clients are:
- โWhat is something you thought to be true about sex when you were younger, but completely changed after you started having sex?โ
- โWhatโs your favorite part about sex?โ
- โDo you masturbate? Whatโs your favorite way to masturbate?โ
Allow yourself to communicate your interest with your partner, knowing that the more you talk about it, the easier and more accessible it gets.
Step Three: Invite them in
When it comes time to talk about your kink with a new partner, try to think of it as an exciting opportunity to deepen your connection. Consider saying something like, โI love the sex weโre having, and something that really turns me on is role-play. Have you ever done something like that before?โ Here, you highlight whatโs already going well and invite them into your world even more.
When you frame it as something exciting rather than something you have to disclose or burden them with, your conversation about sex becomes even more expansive. Your partners may have questions about what it means, which is an excellent opportunity to share more with them.
Maybe watch porn together that highlights your kink and let them notice how much it turns you on. Additionally, pleasure isnโt one-directional. Ask your partner what they like and their fantasies. Chances are, they also have something theyโve done before and want to try with you, or have never done but have always been curious about. This invitation is a chance to increase pleasure and intimacy and, ultimately, get your needs met.
Step Four: Negotiate
Now that youโve discussed your kinks, itโs time to put them into practice. Maybe the initial conversations serve more as a way to plant seeds and pique interest. It doesnโt mean you both have to jump into play right away. You can discuss which parts of your kink feel the best and most exciting to you, experiment with various toys and scenes, and approach it gradually and with curiosity.
Itโs OK for them to want to take and leave multiple aspects of your kink, and you theirs. Maybe youโll even discover a new kink together that feels unique to your dynamic. Remember, sex is expansive, youโre not alone, and sharing your erotic desires brings you closer to your partners.