As a new mom, finding the time and capacity for sex can seem like a next-to-impossible task. The influx of new responsibilities with a newborn feel like they come crashing in like a wave without reprieve.
It’s hard to find the energy or the capacity to want to be intimate, with yourself or with a partner, when there’s so much going on physically and emotionally. With the right tools, and only when you’re ready, you too can find your way back to bed.
Adjust your expectations
First, it’s time to get your head in the game, because postpartum sex is, well, different. ‘Lower your expectations’ sets the wrong tone, because it’s implying that postpartum sex will inherently be inferior to pre-pregnancy sex. And that’s not necessarily true- you might feel closer or more bonded to your partner after watching them transition through pregnancy and birth.
But, on the other hand, adjusting your own expectations of what your own body might be capable of as well as what sex looks like is often helpful. For starters, your physical body will likely feel different than it did prior and during pregnancy- after all, it had 40 weeks, give or take, to adjust to pregnancy, and followed by a very sudden transition to postpartum. Your body may feel a bit more utilitarian and less sensual right now.
Take some time to get to know the body you’re in now, and if intimate touch feels right for you right now. Pay attention to what sensations feel good, and what sensations don’t. Where on your body do you want to be touched? What amount of pressure do you like? If you’re feeling ‘touched out’ from all of the contact with a newborn, that’s ok, too. If you’re partnered, communication is key with these new findings!
Maintenance sex vs. gourmet sex
It also may be helpful to adjust your expectations about how much time you’ll be able to devote to sex, as well as how frequently that may happen. Babies are unpredictable, to say the least. Time and privacy that may have been guaranteed previously may be a bit of a gamble.
In their book ‘And Baby Makes Three, John and Julie Gottman, in their book ‘And Baby Makes Three’, discuss the concept of ‘gourmet sex’, the kind that is “divinely delicious and takes time”. You know, the kind of physically and emotionally affirming sex that seems to pleasantly linger even after it’s over. But quickies, or maintenance sex, can also be valuable duringtoo postpartum, if they satisfyit satisfies physical needs or fosters emotional closeness.
Early on, penetrative sex may also not be super comfortable for a variety of reasons. Which is why it’s important to…
Take time to heal
There’s no right or wrong time to want to feel intimate again. Intimacy can mean a lot of things, like feeling emotionally connected, craving physical touch, or even penetrative sex. Each individual’s pregnancy and birth experience can vary widely, and it’s ok for the postpartum experience to vary widely as well.
The mind might be ready before the body is (and it’s okay if that’s not true, too). Physically, there’s plenty of healing that has to occur after birth as the body begins to take on a new shape. Keep in mind that the 6 week rule (discouraging penetrative sex for the first 6 weeks postpartum) is a rough guideline, but at the very least, make sure your bleeding has stopped before getting busy.
Scars need time to heal as well, so be mindful of any perineal tearing that occurred during labor or a vaginal delivery, as well as c-section scars that could use a little extra love. If you’re a few months down the road in your healing and still having pain during sex, find a pelvic floor physical therapist who can provide more specific recommendations.
We also know that birth is not just a physical process, it’s a cognitive and emotional one, too. Birth trauma is also often intricately woven into the birth experience, so emotional healing has to take place, too. There’s a lot of resources for birth trauma, such as Postpartum International, which has several phone lines, peer support, and can help you locate a trained professional.
Get the right equipment
Repeat after me: lube is your friend. And take time to invest in a high quality lube, not just one from the drug store (psst: Dame makes a great one). Lube is especially important if you’re breastfeeding (which impacts estrogen production, read: lower libido, thinning of vaginal tissues and less lubrication), or have any sort of perineal tearing, which can continue to cause sensitivity in the vulva and vagina even after the tear has healed.
Think outside the box
Penetrative sex is certainly not the only way to remain intimate with yourself or with a partner when you’re postpartum. Keep in mind other activities that can invoke physical closeness, such as…
- Use of a vibrator externally
- Masturbation, together or separately
- Oral sex
- Sharing fantasies
- Non-sexual touch
Reframing the timing, location, and privacy of sex can also be helpful. In terms of timing, sex can still involve some level of spontaneity, but don’t discount scheduled sex (and wholly acknowledge that it can feel odd to schedule sex if it was always spontaneous before!).
Once your baby has settled into somewhat of a routine and schedule, planning ahead for time for when your newborn will be snoozing can offer some time for intimacy. If you’ve previously been a sexual night owl and know you’ll be exhausted by the end of the day, consider a different time of day to get busy.
Also consider how much privacy fits in your paradigm for sex. Sex can be a fairly private act prior to pregnancy and postpartum, but that privacy can feel lost when there’s another tiny body occupying your space. For some, this may not be a deterrent at all, and you may feel very comfortable being intimate with a babe close by. For others, maintaining privacy during sex may feel right, and in that case, mix up the location of sex! The couch, shower, or another room may afford a little more privacy away from your sleeping baby.
Navigating sex in a postpartum body that feels foreign and unknown can feel like trying to steer a boat with your eyes closed. Adjusting your expectations about your body and reframing sex can be helpful tools, and know that there’s no right answer for what type of intimacy (or when) will feel right for you.
The body and the mind both possess an amazing capacity to heal, and with time and intention, I promise you’ll get your bearings.
