What does it mean to be asexual? Asexuality is broadly defined as a lack of sexual attraction or desire toward others, but like everything else, it exists on a spectrum. For some, asexuality might mean no sexual attraction at all, while others identify as demisexual—experiencing attraction only after forming deep emotional bonds—or gray-asexual, where attraction is rare but not absent. There’s no “right” way to be asexual, and every person’s experience is valid and unique.
And here’s the thing: not experiencing sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily mean abstaining from sex or masturbation. In this guide, we’ll explore how asexual people navigate sex and self-pleasure, offering tips and insights to help make these experiences more affirming and comfortable—if and when they choose to engage in them.
Asexuality: Understanding the Spectrum and Attraction Beyond Sex
Asexuality is often misunderstood as simply “not being into sex,” but it’s much more nuanced than that. At its core, asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction to others, but that doesn’t mean someone lacks other forms of attraction or intimacy in their lives. Just as sexuality exists on a spectrum, so does asexuality, and no two experiences are the same.
What other forms of attraction exist?
For many asexual individuals, attraction comes in forms beyond the sexual. Here are some common types of attraction that people on the asexual spectrum may experience:
- Romantic Attraction: The desire to build a romantic relationship with someone, which may or may not include physical intimacy.
- Aesthetic Attraction: Appreciation for someone’s appearance or style without any sexual undertones.
- Sensual or Physical Attraction: A longing for touch, like cuddling or hand-holding, that’s separate from sexual desire.
- Platonic Attraction: The deep desire to form close friendships or bonds.
- Emotional Attraction: Seeking a meaningful emotional connection with someone.
These distinctions remind us that attraction and intimacy are not solely defined by sex. Asexual people can (and often do) form deep, fulfilling relationships that reflect the unique ways they connect with others.
The asexuality spectrum
Just as sexual orientation encompasses a wide range of experiences, so does asexuality. Many asexual individuals identify with orientations that describe how they relate to both sexual and romantic attraction. For instance:
- Demisexual: Sexual attraction arises only after a strong emotional bond is formed.
- Gray-Asexual: Attraction or desire is rare but not entirely absent.
- Aromantic Asexual: Someone who doesn’t experience either romantic or sexual attraction but may still engage in other forms of connection, like platonic or aesthetic attraction.
This spectrum highlights the diversity within the asexual community, and it’s important to remember that there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to identify or experience asexuality.
Asexual people can have a sex drive and experience sexual desire
Asexuality doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of sex drive or sexual desire. Some asexual people do have sex, and for many different reasons, including:
- Satisfying their libido
- Conceiving children
- Making their partner happy
- Enjoying physical or sensual pleasure
- Showing and receiving affection
No matter your reason for having sex or masturbating, here are some basic things every asexual person should know.
Do asexual people masturbate?
Plenty of folks under the asexual umbrella choose to have sex, masturbate, or both! (And crucially, asexuality is not the same thing as being aromantic.) Some asexual people may want to feel close to their partners through sex. Others may want to masturbate in response to their general sexual desire or interest in experiencing sexual pleasure (as opposed to feeling arousal in response to a particular person). No matter your reason for having sex or masturbating, here are some basic things every asexual person should know.
You should still get tested, even if you don’t have sex often
If you aren’t having sex very often or you haven’t had sex with more than one partner, testing may not be on your mind. Testing for STIs is for everyone who is sexually active –regardless of how often you have sex or how many people you’ve had sex with. The most common symptom of an STI is actually no symptoms at all. There are many different types of STI tests you can request, but the most common urine tests will include screenings of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. Most providers will test for HIV, too. If you have insurance, STI testing is typically free or available at a copay, and your primary care provider can order tests for you. If you don’t have insurance or a primary care doctor, you can get tested at your local health department, Planned Parenthood, or request a mail-in testing kit (like those offered by Nurx).
Toy materials matter
Many folks in the asexual community opt to only masturbate when using a toy. That’s because some folks might experience genital avoidance or repulsion (a feeling of being disconnected from your genitals or generally not comfortable engaging with them). If you experience some level of genital avoidance or repulsion, using your hands to get off might give you goosebumps —in a bad way.
Using toys can help give you the physical pleasure and sensations you’re looking for, skin-to-skin contact not required. It may be tempting to just buy the first and cheapest toy you find on Amazon, but I’d caution against it. The toy industry isn’t regulated, which means that there isn’t a standard for what is allowed to be sold. That means that some toys are made out of materials widely considered to be toxic or not body-safe. Rather than list off all of the things that aren’t safe for your body, here’s a simple list of what is safe: 100% silicone, ABS plastic, stainless steel, and borosilicate glass. All of the above are easy to clean and sanitize and aren’t going to chemically degrade in your nightstand. Plus, you can get body-safe toys at every price point!
Invest in lube
If you’re interested in partnered sex or masturbation, lube is absolutely essential. First, if you have a vagina and are planning on having sex even though you don’t experience physical arousal, lube can save you a lot of discomfort. Even if you do get wet relatively easily, it’s helpful to have a bottle of lube on-hand just in case things start to dry up. Plus, many asexual folks opt to explore anal play. It’s something that can be done solo or with a partner, and for people who experience genital aversion, it can provide pleasant physical stimulation without having to engage with your penis or vulva.
Whether you’re playing with just the exterior of the anus or you’re planning on diving deeper, lube is necessary. The anus doesn’t self-lubricate and the mucous membranes in the anus are extremely thin, which makes them prone to tearing without the addition of lube. If you’re not using any toys, then a silicone or water-based lubricant will work. If you are using toys, I recommend sticking with a water-based lubricant because silicone lubes will harm your silicone toys. And if you are engaging in partnered sex and using barrier methods, remember that you can’t use oil-based lubricants with latex condoms, because the condom will break. Remember, having sex or masturbating doesn’t invalidate your asexuality. You might not experience sexual attraction to other people but still want to have sex or masturbate. Your reasons for pursuing sex and sexual pleasure are your own, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You don’t owe anyone sex
Remember: If you’re in a romantic relationship, that does not mean that you have to have sex with your romantic partner or partners. Navigating sexual boundaries can be tough for anyone, but it can be even more nerve-wracking between an asexual person and an allosexual person (someone who experiences sexual attraction). Romantic relationships and sexual relationships can happen together, but sometimes, they’re totally separate. That means you can be asexual and in a romantic relationship, and you might have sex, but you might not ever. That’s okay! It’s best to talk with your partners as early as possible about your sexual boundaries and what your asexuality means for you and your sex life. Work together to come up with a system that makes sense for everyone involved. And remember, partnered sex might be important to your partner, but that doesn’t mean that it’s your responsibility to fulfill that desire. Some asexual folks may not feel interested in partnered sex, but still want to orgasm because of the physiological benefits.
If you’re in a relationship and you’ve recently figured out that you may be asexual, take some time to think through what that means for you. What types of things are you comfortable with? How might your boundaries need to be adjusted? How will you communicate any of the above with your partners? The way that we understand our sexuality changes throughout our lives, so it’s okay to learn something new about yourself, even if it’s later in life than you would have liked.
Embracing the nuances of asexuality
Asexuality is as diverse and individual as any other sexual orientation. It challenges the idea that sexual attraction is a universal experience, instead celebrating the many ways people connect, love, and form relationships. Whether through romantic, platonic, or sensual attraction, asexual individuals build fulfilling lives and relationships on their own terms.
While some asexual people choose to engage in sex or masturbation, others don’t—and both experiences are equally valid. Understanding and embracing the nuances of asexuality helps break down stereotypes and create space for all forms of attraction and intimacy.
Ultimately, there’s no “right” way to be asexual—only the way that feels true to you.
Asexuality FAQ & Myth-Busting
Q: Do asexual people have sex?
A: Some do, for reasons like satisfying libido, conceiving children, or showing affection. Others don’t. It’s all about personal preference.
Q: Can asexual people fall in love?
A: Absolutely. Many asexual individuals desire romantic relationships and build deep emotional connections.
Q: Is asexuality the same as abstinence or celibacy?
A: No. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a choice to abstain from sex.
Q: Do asexual people have a sex drive?
A: Some do! Asexuality is about a lack of sexual attraction, not necessarily a lack of libido.
Q: Is asexuality just a phase?
A: Nope. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation and part of the spectrum of human experiences.
