Whenever I read a self-help article that advises women to “put yourself first,” or “cultivate self-love,” I want to throw my laptop out my fourth floor apartment window in despair. (I don’t actually do it, of course, because laptops are expensive.)
Often, these seemingly empowering pieces of advice come with subtle directives about what we should think, be, and do. Love yourself . Spend time doing something nice for yourself . But the truth is, loving ourselves in a world that is constantly judging us—for our bodies and our bank accounts, our relationships and our sex lives—is hard.
Few other occasions present a greater challenge to self-love than Valentine’s Day. A holiday characterized by a toxic cocktail of commercialism, mixed messages about gender, and high-key pressure to couple up, Valentine’s Day can be grating for anyone. If you find yourself unwillingly single, wish you had more romantic intimacy in your life, or are feeling pressure to date or marry, the heart-studded holiday can feel even worse.
Whether you’re contentedly single, or are still cry-liking your ex’s Instagram posts while wondering whether you will ever love again (spoiler alert: you will!), we’ve got you covered for Valentine’s Day plans. Here are five ways to cultivate some genuine self-love this year.
Mope
Yup: I said mope. This may sound counterintuitive, but hear me out. Part of loving yourself is feeling your feelings, no matter what they are. If you’re still mourning a breakup, recovering from some kind of sexual or intimate trauma, or are just feeling lonely and want to indulge your own misery for a while, go for it. Binge-watch The Sopranos, wear comfy clothes, eat something tasty, light some incense. Heck, you can even go through your ex’s old text messages and cry. You don’t have to mask your hurt in a layer of irony or put on a brave face and go party with your girlfriends. If you’re in pain, you’re in pain. Sometimes, you just gotta feel it to get beyond it. If your vibe this Valentine’s Day is sad, you have my full permission to commit.Invest in Yourself
If your vibe this Valentine’s Day is luxurious, however, there is another way. Money cannot buy happiness, but a well-thought-out splurge on a delightful product or service can go far to soothe a battered heart and titillate an eager clitoris. While your friends are spending money buying gifts for their significant others, why not buy a gift for yourself? I’m not talking about getting yourself roses—though by all means, do that, too. I am talking glamor. What is that thing you’ve been wanting to buy, that skill you’ve been wanting to grow, that experience you’ve been wanting to have, that sex toy you’ve been wanting to play with? Take some time, save up a bit of money, and invest in it. Sign up for a salsa class, make an appointment for some reiki, buy a luxury vibrator, or finally pay a visit to an erotic massage therapist.What effort would you put into preparing yourself for a hot sex session with a partner? Put that level of love and attention into this solo sesh.This isn’t just something to do because no one else is available or because you don’t have a partner. It’s because you are a grown-ass human and can spend your own damn money to make yourself feel good. Your pleasure is worth the investment.