Porn brings up a lot of feelings in general, but when it’s introduced into a relationship, it often warrants a discussion. Sometimes it can be as easy as “Let’s watch porn together,” while other partnerships need a little bit more finessing to find a balance. No matter where you’re at, there are fun ways to talk about it. Here are some tips on how to talk about porn with a partner.
First, Take A Step Back
Pornography is fantasy. It has a budget attached. It requires b-roll shots and breaks to reposition lights. Sometimes, there are makeup artists on set. Sometimes, there is a wardrobe team and a prop stylist. Basically, no matter how realistic the porn is, there is always a level of production required to create that fantasy. In real life, we have scars and bad days and have to find our balance when climbing on top of another person — you know, all the human elements that go into sex. It’s super-important to look a porn with a critical eye, and not take it as reality. That isn’t to say that we can’t learn a lot from it. Porn is an ideal medium to understand technological trends, how beauty standards shift in culture, and the attention span of digital consumers across all mediums. PornHub releases a yearly, data-driven study that categorizes information based off genre, watch time, location, and device in order to understand the porn watcher with greater context. There is something beautiful about using data to comprehend the complexities behind human desire. The simplistic view is that porn is people engaging in sex, sexual acts, sensuality, power dynamics on screen, and that’s super hot! Porn also gives us a chance to see different people with varied bodies and backgrounds enjoying pleasure. But let’s also acknowledge the pitfalls of an industry that reduces people, demographics, and looks into categories. When it comes to consent and autonomy, all porn is not created equal. The industry has both upsides and downsides.Understand Your Feelings
Before jumping into the conversation with your partner, trying articulating to yourself what you want to say about porn. Maybe the visuals are a conduit to easier sexual arousal. Maybe the ability to enact a variety of fantasies without having to physically engage is appealing. Maybe it inspires different ways to be physical with your partner. Maybe you want to explore more porn but feel uncomfortable about it, or maybe your partner’s porn habits bring up tensions for you. Or maybe it’s not that deep: It’s just super-hot and you want to share in those moments. Create a list on your phone of everything you love, share a Google Doc with your partner, or have a notebook where you can jot down ideas.How To Bring It Up
There isn’t a right or wrong way to bring up porn into the conversation as long as both of you are in the head space to receive the information. (For instance, don’t bring it up in the middle of a fight.) Find a neutral ground so both people feel stable and heard. Taking your sweetie out to dinner or an early morning coffee date is a great way to establish equal footing while also ensuring neither party has a metaphorical upper hand by being in one or the other’s space or bedroom. We want to be respectful and strive for neutrality. As far as saying the actual words, draw inspiration from how you both speak about mundane topics that evoke zero pressure. When we’re unsure about something, it makes the explanation of that subject uneasy — starting off with a rocky foundation right from the beginning. Let’s speak about it the way you would if deciding on dinner: Do you want to do pasta? Are you into having a porn conversation with me tonight? Being direct and calm will result in a respectful and positive outcome.What To Talk About
Start with your main thesis statement: I’d love it if we could try watching porn together or I want to talk about how we both feel about porn in this relationship, and take it from there! As the presenting partner, be prepared to have this be little more than a jumping off point, as the receiving partner might not have done a deep dive into their own feelings yet.Let’s speak about it the way you would if deciding on dinner: Do you want to do pasta? Are you into having a porn conversation with me tonight?Submerge in what you both appreciate about porn, while exploring the parts of porn you’re both unsure of. Even framing the conversation as a way to explore new things together through pornographic prompts opens both of you to be on a sexual discovery together. If you or your partner come across a hard “no” when deciphering your favorite porn categories, respect this decision and speak to each other about ways to feel good without crossing that boundary.