| Dear Dame is Dame's sex-positive and judgment-free advice column answered by our panel of sexperts. Submit your questions here. |
Dear Dame,
My husband wants way more sex than I do! If it were up to him we’d be having sex once a day or more. When we first started dating we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other but things have sort of cooled down on my end. I want to be the person he fell in love with. How can I get my sexy back?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First, know that nothing’s wrong with you for wanting sex less often than your partner, and you don’t have to have sex at any point when you don’t want to. When two people in a relationship have uneven sex drives, it’s not up to one person to change for the other; it’s up to both people to find a compromise.
When you say “I want to be the person he fell in love with,” I become curious what feelings are behind that. If there’s a desire to be sexy and desirable in his eyes, that’s completely understandable, but in a healthy relationship, someone will find you sexy and desirable even if you have a lower sex drive than them. You are the woman he fell in love with, no matter how often you’re having sex.
Before working on increasing your desire for sex, make sure this is something you’re wanting to do for yourself, rather than out of desire for approval or fear of losing him. Sex that is had in response to external pressure or a desire to “keep” a partner can often lead to negative feelings. You want to make sure you are enthusiastically consenting to every sexual encounter you experience.
But if you are genuinely wanting to experience more sexual connection with your husband, there are a number of ways to get yourself in the mood more often. First, it helps to identify where the loss of sex drive came from. If it was mainly a result of new relationship energy fading, then perhaps doing more romantic activities with your husband, going on dates like you did in the beginning, doing sweet things for each other, and expressing what you appreciate about each other can help rekindle that sexual connection.
There are many other reasons someone might experience a decline in sex drive. Some people get very caught up in their work or their families and have trouble turning their minds off. If this is an issue for you, you can make a point to prioritize your self-care. Simple activities like taking baths, using lotion, wearing clothes you feel good in, or spending time outside can get you to a place where you’re more in your body.
Another fantastic way to get in the mood for sex is to connect with your partner through sensual touch. Spend time cuddling, massaging each other, or whatever else helps you feel connected and more open to sexual activity. You can try doing this on its own without the expectation of sex so that you don’t feel any pressure, or you can try doing it before sex to help you warm up and feel more turned on (or a combination of both).
If there’s anything else that your husband has done in the past that tends to turn you on — whether that’s helping you with housework, stroking your hair as you lie on the couch together, or wearing grey sweatpants (that’s what does it for some people!) — you can request more of that. And if there’s anything he does during sex that you really enjoy, ask for more of that, too; knowing that the sex will be great for you will make you want it more.
Let your husband know that this is something you’re working on and that you value your sex life, and also ask him to be patient with you. Pressure is the enemy of arousal, but having a shared goal and supporting each other as you work toward it can be a turn-on.