When you think of “good sex,” images such as multiple orgasms, ripping your clothes off, going at it for hours on end, numerous positions, and an unfaltering erection might come to mind. These are the dominant images portrayed in films, TV, books, and even conversations about sex.
While this might feel like motivation or give us something to aspire to, this messaging can be damaging. They can often take us out of our bodies and into our heads. We end up competing with fantasy, porn, and unrealistic expectations about what “should” happen during sex rather than experiencing what is happening. We might find our minds wandering to an unending to-do list: work stress, parenting, anywhere except in the moment. If you’ve ever found yourself unable to focus, feeling confused, or trying really hard to achieve a specific result, you’re not alone.
Because there is a great deal of shame surrounding having sex and sexual exploration, folks often end up turning to one-dimensional or antiquated notions of what sex should entail. Sex education is often confined to abstinence, condom use, periods, and pregnancy and STI prevention. While some of this may be useful information to know, there is a glaring hole in most sex education curriculum: pleasure.
People with vulvas often get the message that having sex will hurt the first time, but to “lay there and take it.” We teach people with penises that size and the length of the erection is how to measure masculinity. Bodies should be thin, and pubic hair should be non-existent, breasts should be big, waists small, penises large. No wonder people feel immense anxiety or inadequacy around sex and their bodies; there are tons of expectations we think we need to adhere to!
With all of the expectations floating around in our heads, when it comes time to connect with partners, sex can sometimes feel mechanical. When our bodies don’t behave the way we think they should, we feel shame and immediately are taken out of our bodies and into our heads. We overanalyze, overthink, and become preoccupied with impossible standards rather than approaching sex with a sense of curiosity and exploration.
When we take orgasm off the table, we redirect the energy of what sex is.So how do you get out of your head when it comes to sex? Let’s bring pleasure into the picture in an intentional way. If you stop asking what you should do, feel, say, and like, what is real for you? If you remove heteronormativity, singular standards of beauty, and even orgasm from the picture, what’s left? Maybe you’re curious about bondage or impact play, perhaps you’ve wanted to try a butt plug, maybe you like being tickled, your feet worshiped, or nipples played with. Maybe you want to experiment with sensory deprivation or group sex. Maybe you love oral. Maybe you hate it. A great way to access what you like is to allow your needs to be recognized and validated, and you can start by doing that for yourself.
Masturbate
One of the best ways to get in touch with your body, pleasure, and desire is through solo play. The pressure to perform might not be as present, so you can allow yourself to experiment with your body and needs. Some challenges might be that masturbation can feel like a routine. Folks might watch the same porn/erotica, have the same fantasies, use the same toys, even masturbate at the same time of day. This is understandable because when it comes to masturbation, you might be looking for a tried-and-true technique that gets the job done rapidly without fail. Just as with partnered sex, masturbation can lose some of its allure when things feel predictable. Masturbation might feel like a means to an end rather than an opportunity to connect with yourself and explore pleasure. As a result, you might not even be fully present in your body when masturbating. To spark some creativity, try switching up your masturbating routine. If you typically masturbate at night right before going to sleep, consider masturbating at a different time of day. Perhaps you usually masturbate in bed—consider trying out the shower, bathroom, or couch. These simple changes can help you get more present in your body.Pay attention to different senses, not just touch, to have a more conscious sexual experience.Also, we often think of masturbation as only being genital stimulation. Try touching your nipples, ears, butt, feet, and other erogenous zones either with your hands or vibrators. If you’re into anal stimulation, consider buying a butt plug to insert while you touch different parts of your body. Practice edging. When you feel like you are about to climax, back off of the sensation and try again; this leads to a more intense orgasm. These are some ways that you can really centralize your body’s wants and needs, rather than purely trying to achieve the goal of orgasm.