When we take orgasm off the table, we redirect the energy of what sex is.So how do you get out of your head when it comes to sex? Let’s bring pleasure into the picture in an intentional way. If you stop asking what you should do, feel, say, and like, what is real for you? If you remove heteronormativity, singular standards of beauty, and even orgasm from the picture, what’s left? Maybe you’re curious about bondage or impact play, perhaps you’ve wanted to try a butt plug, maybe you like being tickled, your feet worshiped, or nipples played with. Maybe you want to experiment with sensory deprivation or group sex. Maybe you love oral. Maybe you hate it. A great way to access what you like is to allow your needs to be recognized and validated, and you can start by doing that for yourself.
Masturbate
One of the best ways to get in touch with your body, pleasure, and desire is through solo play. The pressure to perform might not be as present, so you can allow yourself to experiment with your body and needs. Some challenges might be that masturbation can feel like a routine. Folks might watch the same porn/erotica, have the same fantasies, use the same toys, even masturbate at the same time of day. This is understandable because when it comes to masturbation, you might be looking for a tried-and-true technique that gets the job done rapidly without fail. Just as with partnered sex, masturbation can lose some of its allure when things feel predictable. Masturbation might feel like a means to an end rather than an opportunity to connect with yourself and explore pleasure. As a result, you might not even be fully present in your body when masturbating. To spark some creativity, try switching up your masturbating routine. If you typically masturbate at night right before going to sleep, consider masturbating at a different time of day. Perhaps you usually masturbate in bed—consider trying out the shower, bathroom, or couch. These simple changes can help you get more present in your body.Pay attention to different senses, not just touch, to have a more conscious sexual experience.Also, we often think of masturbation as only being genital stimulation. Try touching your nipples, ears, butt, feet, and other erogenous zones either with your hands or vibrators. If you’re into anal stimulation, consider buying a butt plug to insert while you touch different parts of your body. Practice edging. When you feel like you are about to climax, back off of the sensation and try again; this leads to a more intense orgasm. These are some ways that you can really centralize your body’s wants and needs, rather than purely trying to achieve the goal of orgasm.