Asexuality is defined by the lack of sexual attraction or desire to others. Like basically everything else, it’s a spectrum. Some people (like me) are demisexual, which means that you only experience sexual attraction after you’ve formed a deep emotional bond. Others are grey asexual, which means experience pretty low levels of sexual attraction. And some people are just regular old asexual, meaning they don’t experience sexual attraction at all.
Someone may not experience sexual attraction, but that doesn’t mean that they abstain from sex.
Plenty of folks under the asexual umbrella choose to have sex, masturbate, or both! (And crucially, asexuality is not the same thing as being aromantic.) Some asexual people may want to feel close to their partners through sex. Others may want to masturbate in response to their general sexual desire or interest in experiencing sexual pleasure (as opposed to feeling arousal in response to a particular person). No matter your reason for having sex or masturbating, here are some basic things every asexual person should know.
You Don’t Owe Anyone Sex
First things first: If you’re in a romantic relationship, that does not mean that you have to have sex with your romantic partner or partners. Navigating sexual boundaries can be tough for anyone, but it can be even more nerve-wracking between an asexual person and an allosexual person (someone who experiences sexual attraction). Romantic relationships and sexual relationships can happen together, but sometimes, they’re totally separate. That means you can be asexual and in a romantic relationship, and you might have sex, but you might not ever. That’s okay! It’s best to talk with your partners as early as possible about your sexual boundaries and what your asexuality means for you and your sex life. Work together to come up with a system that makes sense for everyone involved. And remember, partnered sex might be important to your partner, but that doesn’t mean that it’s your responsibility to fulfill that desire.Some asexual folks may not feel interested in partnered sex, but still want to orgasm because of the physiological benefits.If you’re in a relationship and you’ve recently figured out that you may be asexual, take some time to think through what that means for you. What types of things are you comfortable with? How might your boundaries need to be adjusted? How will you communicate any of the above with your partners? The way that we understand our sexuality changes throughout our lives, so it’s okay to learn something new about yourself, even if it’s later in life than you would have liked.
You Should Still Get Tested, Even If You Don’t Have Sex Often
If you aren’t having sex very often or you haven’t had sex with more than one partner, testing may not be on your mind. Testing for STIs is for everyone who is sexually active –regardless of how often you have sex or how many people you’ve had sex with. The most common symptom of an STI is actually no symptoms at all. There are many different types of STI tests you can request, but the most common urine tests will include screenings of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. Most providers will test for HIV, too. If you have insurance, STI testing is typically free or available at a copay, and your primary care provider can order tests for you. If you don’t have insurance or a primary care doctor, you can get tested at your local health department, Planned Parenthood, or request a mail-in testing kit (like those offered by Nurx).It’s OK to Masturbate If You Want
Some folks on the asexual spectrum masturbate and some don’t. Just like anyone else, your comfort with masturbation is going to depend on a whole host of factors: your comfort with your body and genitals, your desire to pursue pleasure, your personal sexual values, and your history with trauma, just to name a few.Many folks in the asexual community opt to only masturbate when using a toy, because they might experience genital avoidance or repulsion.People masturbate for stress relief, for help sleeping, and because the release of orgasm can feel really good. Some asexual folks may not feel interested in partnered sex, but still want to orgasm because of the physiological benefits. So, if you want to masturbate, go for it! Your hands, shower head, and body-safe toys all make great options. And if you’re an asexual person who isn’t interested in masturbation, that’s fine, too. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or a prude; it’s just not something you’re into!