The common understanding of hand sex is that it isn’t “real sex.” Real sex, of course, being p-in-v intercourse. We need to throw out this archaic, completely BS notion and start from scratch.
Let’s get a few things straight here.
Firstly, intercourse is not “real sex”— all sex acts are real sex. Whether you’re licking a butt, sucking a clitoris, having anal sex, touching a penis, having vaginal intercourse, or fingering someone, you’re having sex. There is no hierarchy. This is a pernicious falsehood we’ve been taught by a patriarchal society. “So many people equate PIV sex as the ultimate sex act,” says Charyn Pfeuffer, sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating. “So, it’s pretty common for hand sex to be framed as the warm-up to the main event – if it’s not skipped over entirely in lieu of oral sex. The hype from penis-havers that hand sex is for partners that are too lazy to give a blow job doesn’t help the manual stimulation mission.”
Secondly, hand sex is not some simple, junior varsity sex act that can “doesn’t count.” Hand sex is a distinct sex act that has its own merits. Giving great hand sex takes curiosity and a little panache. When done well, it can be highly enjoyable. The idea that having hand sex is “easier” is misguided and has led to more dry handjobs than a six-week sleepaway camp.
Without further ado, here is your handy guide to hand sex.
being serviced, grab a squirt of lube if you have some handy.”
clitoral head frenulum . You want to focus on waking up all of your partner’s body first and then slowly move towards waking up their genitals,” D’Angelo says. Start with kissing your partner’s neck and inner thighs. If they have a vulva, run your fingers over the inner and outer labia to up the intensity. For penises, you can gently rub the perineum, the scrotal sack, inner thighs, and base of the penis before moving into full strokes.
Lube it up, buttercup!
Do not get anywhere near anyone’s genitals without lubing up your hands first. You can also apply lube directly to the partner’s genitals. The Golden Rule of Hand Sex: The Wetter The Better. Dry hand sex is “literally a form of torture; I’m surprised the CIA hasn’t tried it on prisoners,” says Courtney Kocak, co-founder and co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a podcast exploring love and sexuality around the world. “You must add wetness by any means necessary: put your mouth on it, spit on your hand and/or theGiving great hand sex takes curiosity and a little panache.Silicone or aloe-based lube (like Dame’s Alu lube) are best for hand sex because they have good staying power. Slipperiness that lasts is essential for good hand sex.
Take it slow
We’re often so quick to jump ahead of ourselves during hand sex, treating it like some pre-sex chore we need to do to get our genitals prepared for the main event. If you enter into sex with this mindset, you wind up missing out on a big portion of fun. Savor everything about the hand sex you’re having, whether giving or receiving. “Go slow and touch for your own pleasure, soak in all the yummy details of your partner’s body and genitals,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. Taking it slowly means warming up the whole genital region and beyond, rather than zeroing in on the clitoris or penis right away. “Don’t rush into touching the hot spotsKnow your anatomy and guide your partner
“Not being able to find the clit is less hilarious than popular culture would lead one to believe,” Kokak says. “It actually sucks to be on the receiving end of an explorer as inept as Columbus navigating a new route to India — we all know how that turned out.” The only way to know what you like is by practicing on your own first.Warm up the whole genital region and beyond, rather than zeroing in on the clitoris or penis right away.Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate! In fact, Pfeuffer suggests starting with mutual masturbation as a kind of masterclass in Learning What Your Specific Partner Likes. “Initiate mutual masturbation to get a sense of how they like to touch themselves,” she explains. “Obviously, they have tons of practice and know how to get it exactly right, but as a visual learner, it’s a useful starting point. If you’re both engaging in self-pleasure at the same time, it takes the spotlight off a partner to perform and inform and creates a more playful, interactive space to talk about what feels good.”